Relationship dilemma

[soccerdoctor]

I am currently in a relationship of 4 months and at the beginning everything was absolutely great! I thought for sure I had foud a woman of faith and I was going to be able continue to build my faith along with her... But, after several lengthy conversations, I became suspicious about some answers she was giving me relating to her past… specifically, the answers she was giving me concerning the number of her past sexual partners. Now, please understand, I by no means think that I am or ever have been a “saint” with respect to the number of past sexual partners I have had and expressed this to her on multiple occasions. Furthermore, I made it a point at the beginning of our relationship that I felt truth and honesty was essential in a relationship in order to build a strong and lasting foundation. So, in having my suspicions, I began to ask around about her as well as do some rather detailed research/investigation on her with respect to her past sexual partners. Well, in doing so, I was able to find out that the information that she was giving me was NOT true… So, I continued to ask her the aforementioned question as well as attempt to yield to her that I did not care about the number of people (mentioning that I had no right to judge considering the past that I had), what I cared about was the truth… Well, after numerous attempts to ascertain the truth, she finally broke down one day and told me the number of people that she had been with and promised to me that, that was all… In all honesty, the number of people DID NOT bother me… What bothered me was that she had gone soooo long without telling me the truth and I found it disheartening that it was so easy for her to lie to me straight to my face. She expressed to me that she was afraid of losing me if I knew the truth and that she had “never opened up to anyone like this before.” Well, in my investigation of her past, I had heard of another individual that she had been with so I asked her on the day that she supposedly “never opened up to anyone like this before” whether or not she had been with him… She was extremely defiant and adamant that she had not been with him and once again told me that she was telling the truth… Well, the next day, I confronted her again and she finally told me that she had been with that guy… So, I don’t know what in the heck to do!!! I feel like I can’t trust her at all!! I don’t know whether or not she still is keeping things from me or whether the truth is finally out??? Look, I honestly feel that I have forgiven her about her supposedly truthful past but I am really struggling with the honesty situation… Please help… I’m so hurt and confused!

[Naomi1]

Hello soccerdoctor
Yes honesty in a relationship is very important, but you mention that you've only been dating her for 4 months. I can only say that some people spill it all out early in a relationship, while others may take their time. Depends if your girlfriend have issues around trust.
It's as important to give your gilfriend the opportunity to grow in the relationship. Continue to seek GOD and pray for wisdom, if you do that, you'll know if shes what GOD has plan for you or if shes' a *wolf* in sheeps clothing.
In the LORDS service
Naomi

[Rylee]

I am currently in a relationship of 4 months and at the beginning everything was absolutely great! I thought for sure I had foud a woman of faith and I was going to be able continue to build my faith along with her... But, after several lengthy conversations, I became suspicious about some answers she was giving me relating to her past… specifically, the answers she was giving me concerning the number of her past sexual partners. Now, please understand, I by no means think that I am or ever have been a “saint” with respect to the number of past sexual partners I have had and expressed this to her on multiple occasions. Furthermore, I made it a point at the beginning of our relationship that I felt truth and honesty was essential in a relationship in order to build a strong and lasting foundation. So, in having my suspicions, I began to ask around about her as well as do some rather detailed research/investigation on her with respect to her past sexual partners. Well, in doing so, I was able to find out that the information that she was giving me was NOT true… So, I continued to ask her the aforementioned question as well as attempt to yield to her that I did not care about the number of people (mentioning that I had no right to judge considering the past that I had), what I cared about was the truth… Well, after numerous attempts to ascertain the truth, she finally broke down one day and told me the number of people that she had been with and promised to me that, that was all… In all honesty, the number of people DID NOT bother me… What bothered me was that she had gone soooo long without telling me the truth and I found it disheartening that it was so easy for her to lie to me straight to my face. She expressed to me that she was afraid of losing me if I knew the truth and that she had “never opened up to anyone like this before.” Well, in my investigation of her past, I had heard of another individual that she had been with so I asked her on the day that she supposedly “never opened up to anyone like this before” whether or not she had been with him… She was extremely defiant and adamant that she had not been with him and once again told me that she was telling the truth… Well, the next day, I confronted her again and she finally told me that she had been with that guy… So, I don’t know what in the heck to do!!! I feel like I can’t trust her at all!! I don’t know whether or not she still is keeping things from me or whether the truth is finally out??? Look, I honestly feel that I have forgiven her about her supposedly truthful past but I am really struggling with the honesty situation… Please help… I’m so hurt and confused!
Eeekk... what do you mean by "investigating" her??? NOT good. If you can't trust her to the point that you have to do research on her history, this relationship has very poor (honest) communication! I would say that since you haven't been together for that long, find somebody new... I personally don't believe it's worth working on after just four months. However, if you are adament that this is "The one" then she needs to make a commitment to be 100% honest with you about everything. If she's not willing to do this, then she's not really "The one". Whatever decision you make, stick to it... don't be walked on.

[sisterinJesus]

I am currently in a relationship of 4 months and at the beginning everything was absolutely great! I thought for sure I had foud a woman of faith and I was going to be able continue to build my faith along with her... But, after several lengthy conversations, I became suspicious about some answers she was giving me relating to her past… specifically, the answers she was giving me concerning the number of her past sexual partners. Now, please understand, I by no means think that I am or ever have been a “saint” with respect to the number of past sexual partners I have had and expressed this to her on multiple occasions. Furthermore, I made it a point at the beginning of our relationship that I felt truth and honesty was essential in a relationship in order to build a strong and lasting foundation. So, in having my suspicions, I began to ask around about her as well as do some rather detailed research/investigation on her with respect to her past sexual partners. Well, in doing so, I was able to find out that the information that she was giving me was NOT true… So, I continued to ask her the aforementioned question as well as attempt to yield to her that I did not care about the number of people (mentioning that I had no right to judge considering the past that I had), what I cared about was the truth… Well, after numerous attempts to ascertain the truth, she finally broke down one day and told me the number of people that she had been with and promised to me that, that was all… In all honesty, the number of people DID NOT bother me… What bothered me was that she had gone soooo long without telling me the truth and I found it disheartening that it was so easy for her to lie to me straight to my face. She expressed to me that she was afraid of losing me if I knew the truth and that she had “never opened up to anyone like this before.” Well, in my investigation of her past, I had heard of another individual that she had been with so I asked her on the day that she supposedly “never opened up to anyone like this before” whether or not she had been with him… She was extremely defiant and adamant that she had not been with him and once again told me that she was telling the truth… Well, the next day, I confronted her again and she finally told me that she had been with that guy… So, I don’t know what in the heck to do!!! I feel like I can’t trust her at all!! I don’t know whether or not she still is keeping things from me or whether the truth is finally out??? Look, I honestly feel that I have forgiven her about her supposedly truthful past but I am really struggling with the honesty situation… Please help… I’m so hurt and confused!

Hi Soccerdoctor,
Well, I sure can't give you any advice because I have not personally dealt with your situation since I dated my husband in HS for 3 years and we have been married for 35 years..so neither of us had any "history". But trust is very important in our relationship and with that and the Lord, it is the reason we have been together so long. Do you and your girlfriend pray together? This is very important also.
Four months is not very long. Give it time.
Although I can't give you much advice, I do want you to know that I am praying for you. God will give you the answers you are looking for. Trust Him.

[blueheron32]

soccor doctor.......

Hmmmm.....Why the inquisition...??? If the number is not important, why do you keep pressing and "investigating"?? In the event you get married are you going to keep this kind of investigation of every detail of her activities up? If this is a Godly woman, as you suggest in the beginning of your post...why are you trying to dig all this stuff up, and making her expose all the crud in her life? Is that love.? If it is, its a very strange love... One thing seems certain; She will always know that you are looking over her shoulder, and suspicious of her every move, and always wondering if she is worthy of your approval and respect...I think if I was her I would look for someone who was looking for a relationship of mutual love and respect.....And as Jesus said....Neither do I condemn thee....Go and sin no more....

blueheron32

[JCtine]

hey soccerdoctor.. i wanna ask u few questions here.. do u ever ask God whether she's the one or not? it's good to see things on her whether she will be able to be a good wife or not, but the most important thing is u have get the answer from above. if u have prayed for that, what's the answer? if u get an answer that she is the right one for u, i dun think that her past will bother u. but, when she told lies and everything, that's gotta be an alarm for u, read it on the bible, God never wrote that men will seduce women or so, it's always women seduce men and made men fell to sin. so, u gotta be careful on whose the one u're spending ur whole life with. her past wont be a problem if she has dealt with it and she has recovered from that, same thing happen to u. bot of u gotta dealt with ur past first.

i am agree that u should know her before u got married to her, coz if u knew her after u married her, there's useless and if both of u werent strong enough, u two can end up separated.

open ur eyes wide, open ur ears wide, before u got married to her.
close ur eyes and shut ur ears real thight after u got married her.

my advice is, ask Jesus whether she's really the right one ot not. u can ask for signs like Gideon did. ask her to pray with u, and discern what God put in ur heart by the time u two praying together.

may the grace of God endures u forever, in wisdom, knowledge and understanding ;)

[loralee]

If you have a bad feeling about someone or feel you can not trust them just break it off with them. I recently had a terrible experience. I had been dating a man on and off for seven years. He kept promising to marry me and I believed that someday he would. I few months ago I found that he had develped a friendship with a women much younger then him. He said that she had a drug and drinking problem and he was only helping her. I was confussed whether or not to believe him but so so angry that I broke up with him. I few weeks later I was on line and came across her name. She was found dead in a bathtub of water in a motel room. I found out that he had paid for her motel room, given her money, and bought her cases of beer. He was in Florida at the time of her death. I was in complete shock, still am. I wasted years of my life trusting this person. To make matters worse he did not call me to tell me what had happened, neither did any of his friends and family. When I was with him I spend all my time at the race track with him and his friends. I thought those people where also my friends. I was wrong and very stupid. I am still very curious as to all the details of what happened. I am sure if I called him he would have a bunch of lies to tell me. I would not call him ever again though because this incident did scare me. I think that sometimes God tears away from us things that we do not want to let go of ourselfs.

[mcgwire]

I would have to say that the lying is not a good sign. My relationship started out with lies. After I found out the truth she promised never to lie again. Now 5 years later I am getting a divorce because of multiple affairs she has had. I'm not saying that people can't change, most of us here have changed from the people we used to be by God's grace. But starting off a relationship with lies is soooo bad. All I can say is that I have been there and I won't go back again.

[Aloha]

I am currently in a relationship of 4 months and at the beginning everything was absolutely great! I thought for sure I had foud a woman of faith and I was going to be able continue to build my faith along with her... But, after several lengthy conversations, I became suspicious about some answers she was giving me relating to her past… specifically, the answers she was giving me concerning the number of her past sexual partners. Now, please understand, I by no means think that I am or ever have been a “saint” with respect to the number of past sexual partners I have had and expressed this to her on multiple occasions. Furthermore, I made it a point at the beginning of our relationship that I felt truth and honesty was essential in a relationship in order to build a strong and lasting foundation. So, in having my suspicions, I began to ask around about her as well as do some rather detailed research/investigation on her with respect to her past sexual partners. Well, in doing so, I was able to find out that the information that she was giving me was NOT true… So, I continued to ask her the aforementioned question as well as attempt to yield to her that I did not care about the number of people (mentioning that I had no right to judge considering the past that I had), what I cared about was the truth… Well, after numerous attempts to ascertain the truth, she finally broke down one day and told me the number of people that she had been with and promised to me that, that was all… In all honesty, the number of people DID NOT bother me… What bothered me was that she had gone soooo long without telling me the truth and I found it disheartening that it was so easy for her to lie to me straight to my face. She expressed to me that she was afraid of losing me if I knew the truth and that she had “never opened up to anyone like this before.” Well, in my investigation of her past, I had heard of another individual that she had been with so I asked her on the day that she supposedly “never opened up to anyone like this before” whether or not she had been with him… She was extremely defiant and adamant that she had not been with him and once again told me that she was telling the truth… Well, the next day, I confronted her again and she finally told me that she had been with that guy… So, I don’t know what in the heck to do!!! I feel like I can’t trust her at all!! I don’t know whether or not she still is keeping things from me or whether the truth is finally out??? Look, I honestly feel that I have forgiven her about her supposedly truthful past but I am really struggling with the honesty situation… Please help… I’m so hurt and confused!


If the only issue here were about her sexual history then there would be no issue because you would understand that, perhaps, she is emabarrassed by it. But the larger issue seems to be that she is not honest or truthful with you and either there already existed due to your instinct or there has now been bread into the relationship a supreme lack of trust. Let me just suggest that trust is paramount in any relationship. If you do not find trust to be primary in this relationship, let me suggest that you reconsider moving forward.

[roadddog]

Hi soccerdoctor, this is a tough situation. I think Naomi presented good advice though. One thing you may want to consider though is that multiple marital sexual relations are sins that many people struggle with even after they have asked for and been forgiven of. If she has had multiple relations and then become a Christian, she probably wants to start over. My current girlfriend is like that. She said she often regrets it because it makes her feel dirty and it is something she can never take back. By constantly bringing up these relations, it is like digging up sins which she has probably is embarrased of, and has asked forgiveness for, and would like to move away from. This stuff is very personal, perhaps the most personal in her life. That could be why she lies.
This is not to say it is right to lie, because it is not. However, I would not completely base the relationship on this. If she is only lying about this, then it may mean she is still struggling with it, and maybe she should seek counseling to help her overcome her guilt and pain from it.
If she is only lying about this, then I think maybe you should help her overcome it (probably by recommending counseling), but I would be on the look out to see if she lies about anything else. If she lies about other stuff, or does anything else that causes you to doubt her, then there is a serious problem because a relationship cannot be built without trust. I hope this helps, and if it does not, then ignore it!

best wishes

[mquinonez]

This is what happens when people discuss their previous relationships. If you truely didn't care how many previous partners she had, then why ask at all? Maybe you should examine the reason you felt the need to ask this question in the first place. Sounds to me, based on your own words that you "confronted" her multiple times...perhaps she was intimidated by the inquisition. While I agree that trust is certainly a major factor in a relationship I just don't see the need to delve into previous relationships. To me it would be more important to find that she was faithfull than how many men she slept with.