Help Me To Understand Him

[minorfaith]

Hi, I am new to this forum and is in need of desperate help. I have been married for a little over a year to a wonderful Christian man. He is very good to me and he loves the Lord. Here is my problem: My husband found out that he is not the father of his 12yr old son. However, all other parties involved have been knowing this information. The part that bothers me is, ever since the child was born, my husband had a feeling that the child wasn't his, because the child's mother was married, (this was before he received Jesus as his Savior). The bioligical mother doesn't have custody of the child, her mother does. And her mother won't let my husband see the child when he wants to, only when it is convenient for her so she can go out of town, or when the child needs something. My husband calls and ask if he can pick up the child days in advance and when he calls just to confirm the day before it's time to pick him up, the grandmother will say no, you can't get him. That really hurts my husband. But when the child needs something, then my husband is called to come get him immediately, so he can buy shoes, clothes, whatever. The real father has been order to pay child support, something my husband just found out. Even though my husband knows they are using him, he drops everything and run when the grandmother calls no matter what, she doesn't treat my husband with any respect. She dangles that child in front of my husband so he can do what she wants and that makes me very very angry to see some other woman having control over my husband because of a child that is not even his. It makes me hard to have respect for my husband. I've asked him to stand up for himself, because legally, he is not responsible for the child, but my husband won't. I told him, I don't want him to stop seeing the child or helping the child, just don't let the grandmother manipulate him but he doesn't see it that way at all. What am I to do?

[larry]

Dear minorfaith, this is rough for me to understand the problem, because it involves something your husband was involved in before you married him. He evidently loves the boy regardless of the complications in seeing him, and your interference with that love can only cause him hurt above what he feels already. I'm sure he is intelligent enough to know he is being used, but is willing to accept that.

If you think about it, we use the Lord in the same way, and yet He never turns His back on us. How many do you know, maybe even including yourself that will not call on the Lord until they need help. You use the Username "minorfaith" when faith is the thing that pleases God, and great faith can be had if you want it by taking in more of the word of God. This is exactly what that grandmother is doing; she uses your husband for her convience.

If you are going under financially, you must talk to your husband about it, and help him where you can. By your testimony you love him very much, so be the help fit to him, or the one that is up to the duty in supporting him in his need. You can be the one that eases his path, and you will only gain his respect and love even more. I realize that it is not easy giving in to selfish people like that grandmother, but as a Christian of a loving Christian husband, the rewards will be great. Remember that the Lord says vengeance is His, so don't steal that which belongs to God. I hope this is of some help, and there is no perfect answer, but in a marriage we sometimes give all for the other just as Christ did for us. May God bless you with the wisdom to do His will to His glory in Jesus’ name – larry :)

[hisredeemed]

You and your husband need to discuss finances. You are partners in the money that gets distributed. He's wrong for giving out money to a child that's not even his without your okay. Whether you work outside the home or not, in the Lord's eyes it's BOTH your money.

As far as contact with the child, as long as it doesn't take time away from you or any children you may have together and you agree then it's up to him to decide how to handle the grandmother.

The fact that the child is not his and is causing strife in that family is a big problem. He is putting the needs of that child before his wife and that is ungodly behavior. He needs to counsel with a leader in your church. This child is not his. Period. This child is not under his guardianship and this boy should be left to his real family to care for him.

Your husband needs to re-read the bible to see the heirarchy of family. Jesus first, then you, then any bilogical/legally adopted children. The fact that he is dismissing you is unscriptural and highly disrespectful.

He needs to address the deception and manipulation on the part of these other people and then let it move on. There is no longer a reason to stay involved.

[OneJoe]

He's wrong for giving out money to a child that's not even his without your okay. Whether you work outside the home or not, in the Lord's eyes it's BOTH your money.

I am not saying a husband and wife shouldn't discuss financial matters for the home, but how could anyone say the man is wrong for caring for a child, any child? Who has the final authority in the home? Does the wife now have the authority to say what should and should not happen. Does the husband now answer to his wife? So the man hands out money to help take care of a child. I'm quite sure it would cost him even more if the child actually lived with him, rather than paying a little money here and there. Does this man actually have to answer to his wife for helping a child who would be worse off without his help? Doesn't the bible say to pray for those who use you? I am not saying he should hand any money to the grandmother, but if the child needs diapers, food, clothing, etc...he should not have to answer to his wife for doing a biblical thing. However, he could turn away every needy person and tell them "sorry, I have to aswer to my wife first". I agree with what Larry said. This man probably is aware he is being used but cares a great deal for this child and is being the biblical example of a Christian. I pray this man will continue to try and be part of this childs life. After all, there aren't many men today who care about what happens to children. Mat 5:42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.

I wouldn't blame this man for not handing money to the grandmother for something she needs. I am not saying he should be a pacifist or gullible at all, but his attention is on this child who will later grow into a young man. I pray this boy sees what this man has done to see he was taken care of and follows in his steps to help others who are really needy, such as a child, without giving it a second thought or having to answer to his wife as the authority in the home.

As far as contact with the child, as long as it doesn't take time away from you or any children you may have together and you agree then it's up to him to decide how to handle the grandmother.

No he shouldn't take time away from his own family, but why must his wife agree? Where does she biblically get the final say so as to what her husband does. Even if this child is not his, he could very well be the only male Christian around him. If this man is not neglecting his own family, he should be able to go and see this young boy without his wife jumping all over him because she disagrees.

The fact that the child is not his and is causing strife in that family is a big problem. He is putting the needs of that child before his wife and that is ungodly behavior. He needs to counsel with a leader in your church. This child is not his. Period. This child is not under his guardianship and this boy should be left to his real family to care for him. Why would caring for another child, helping someone, cause strife. This sounds a lot like selfishness. But yeah, lets leave the boy to his own family and pray were not throwing him to a pack of wolves. A Christian man goes to help a child and this is suddenly causing strife in a family so he should abandon all ties with the boy because it displeases someone else. I find it hard to believe this situation would really upset a Godly woman. After all, I would like to think it was her intent to help if she could also.

Your husband needs to re-read the bible to see the heirarchy of family. Jesus first, then you, then any bilogical/legally adopted children. The fact that he is dismissing you is unscriptural and highly disrespectful.

Hisredeemed, not to sound harsh but I would hope you practice what you preach. You cast judgment on this man and don't really know him. All you know is what you read on this forum. Also, as for re-reading the bible, I would hope you would also do the same and better establish the order in the home. Indeed Christ is first, but the wife is certainly not second. It is Christ, then the husband who makes these decisions, then the wife, and of course under her are the children. Certainly this man should not disrespect his wife and I don't believe he is doing so by helping someone else. If he is neglecting his wife then I pray he will see this in time, but the man is certainly not doing wrong by helping a child. Maybe the money is getting a little tight because he is helping someone else, but yeah we should turn away someone else so we can live a little more comfortable.

[m.o.m.]

Wow, minorfaith, I would be so grateful to have a husband who had such capability to love a child he knows is not his own...so many men do not even care for or love those which ARE their own. I understand that you feel like you should protect your husband from this manipulative grandmother, but truly this is NOT about the needs of the grandmother or your husband or yourself. This is about the needs of a child. What a wonderful opportunity for service has been presented to you.

As hard as it may be, I suggest that you begin to praise God for the opportunity and to pray daily for this grandmother, the child and the whole situation. Often in these situations, it is our pride (something I am painfully familiar with) which causes us to want to rebel against what we feel is not "right." Prayer will change a world of things...especially our attitudes.

God bless and you are in my prayers,

m.o.m.

[minorfaith]

I thank all of you for your input, but my question is, is it wrong for me to want to see my husband stand up for himself and not let this woman control him in this way. Either she will allow my husband to see the child or not. I want her to stop using the child to get what she wants from my husband.. This is an example: the grandmother had a function at her church that she wanted my husband to attend, it so happened my husband had to work that particular day, she got mad because he didn't attend her function and told him that he couldn't pick the child up that weekend. Things like this happens all the time. If things don't go the way grandma wants them to go then my husband can't pick up the child until grandma is satisfied. The child needed seasonal clothes according to grandma, well during that time we just didn't have the money to get what he needed, so grandma wouldn't let him pick up the child until he had the money, we had to borrow the money. so tell me, what would you do?

[beloved01]

Dear Sister,
I was touched by what you wrote. It must be hard to love someone, want to protect them and yet that person is prepared to let others hurt them.

What attracted you to your husband? I suspect it is that loving care he demonstrates so easily. If it was, then why do you expect him to be different now? You have two issues to deal with.

1. Your husband knows the child is not his and has made a concious decision to continue to show him love - that's gracious. Being Christlike means being practical. Jesus gave an illustration - We are to feed the hungry, put clothes on the naked, give a warm coat in cold weather. Christianity is nothing if not practical. Your husband is saying to this child, Jesus loves you enough to send me to provide for you where others will not.
2. Your inability to see or preceive what the Lord is doing is causing your pain. If the Lord were to abandon you how would it make you feel? Imagine what this child would feel if the only person who shows him unconditional love is taken from him because his wife cannot share him for a few hours on a rare occasion.

I'm not trying to diminish how you feel or berate you. I just want you to see that what you see as a problem with a simple solution is anything but. Your husbands desire to be obedient to God's will makes you feel isolated and less valued. If the boy was out of the picture would you object to your husband getting closer to the Lord, perhaps giving up his job to go into full time ministry because that's what the Lord says? God has given your husband such grace to ignore the bad behaviour of adults who should know better.

Your husband is a living example of the gospel - he's not giving people words to keep them warm. Bless him for this, stand with him, support him when he is disappointed and pray for the opportunity to go with him so that you can get to know this child who will one day become a man. By the grace of God he might just grow into the kind of man you have as your husband.

Your husbands testimony is such an example, how many of us show the love of Christ in this way. He is prepared to make the sacrifce - as Jesus was prepared to do the same for you and I. We cannot chose how or where we will serve, if we are to truly call ourselves by the name Christian we must go into whatever mission field he calls us to.

Lord God, you know the disquiet that robs your daughter of her peace. Help her to take her eyes off the world, to look to you and stay focussed on your will for her. You know she desires to be a supportive and loving wife, help her to demonstrate love, patience, grace and gentleness of spirit. Where there is conflict over this child quench the fire. Father I pray that this womans husband will hear the concerns she has, involve her in this relationship and gather her to himself. Help him to lay aside her fears of exclusion. Bring unity and order to this situation. May these lives be honouring to you and an example of your great love towards those who would otherwise be unloved. In the name of Jesus Christ, the sacrifical Lamb. Amen

[monkey]

let your husband do what he is doing god is using him to plant the seed in the kids life and he loves the kid and the kid him so they will enjoy each others company:-D

[OneJoe]

If you don't have the money then you just don't have it. Help when you can. That is all a person can do. I see nothing wrong with you wanting your husband to stand up for himself, but perhaps your husband doesn't desire to stand up to this woman and face not being able to see this child at all. Perhaps he is willing to sacrifice his pride as a man and be able to help this young child. What will he gain by telling this woman off? Most likely nothing! She might very well keep him from seeing this child at all and this might destroy your husband if he truely loves this child. Minorfaith, reverence your husband. You are very blessed to be married to a man who cares enough to swallow his pride to see a child that isn't biologically his.

[larry]

Dear Minorfaith, I agree with One Joe's last response completely. You married a good Christian man who had a love already for this child, and he is probably exhibiting the very qualities with this child that made you love him in the first place. When he tires of her games, he will know what to do about it, but all you are doing by pointing out his lack of standing up for his rights is becoming a nag, and an additional heartache to him.

You have a wonderful husband, so please support him every way you can, and allow him to be the judge in the matter. In Proverbs 25:24 it says, "It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house." Please do not become this person to your husband. A word of encouragement always streches further than showing a fault.

May God bless you, and your husband in this problem in Jesus' name - larry :)