How do you get past the lies?

[freedom4]

I found out a month after I married that my husband had been lying to me. For 5 years now, I have been dealing with one lie after another. Little "I'm going to do this next week" lies and big "no, I'm not talking to women/looking at pornography online" lies. Every confrontation has come with promises of change, but change lasts a month, maybe two, and then it's the same old, same old. We even went to marriage counselling for a year through our church, but they said there wasn't much more we could do until he was willing to deal with some deeper issues that are probably at the root of all this. I don't believe much of anything that comes out of his mouth anymore. A month ago, we separated - I feel like it's the only thing I haven't tried. Since we separated, he has started to go to counselling regularly. Now he is trying to give me an "ultimatum" - we either need to be "husband and wife", or I need to file for a divorce because this isn't fair to him. I told him I wasn't ready for either, there's a third option...wait. I said if he didn't feel it was fair, he could file for divorce. His response was that he won't allow me to be the victum. I don't want a divorce, but that's only because I don't want a divorce...not because I want to be with him. I can't see how I'll ever trust him again. I thank God that He is there for me and has given me a deep rooted sense that "all things work for good", or I'd probably be over the edge by now. Any advice or shared experiences and outcomes would be appreciated.

[tech844]

Hello Freedom4.
I don't have advice because I am dealing with some issues in my marriage also.
The reason that I am responding to your post is that you need to be heard
by someone and you need some answers.
I want to let you know that I hear you and that you have my prayerful support.
I am praying that God will send answers your way, that He will
draw you closer to him in your time of need.
to strengthen you in this situation.
I pray that God will send good Christian counsel to you and your husband.

Don't stop praying Freedom.
Stay in a continual state of prayer and wait upon the lord.

Wish I had something better for you.
God Bless.

[Dori]

Dear sister in the Lord. I agree with your actions as you report them to date. Your husband needs to know that, in situations like these, separation is not a prelude to divorce. It is a tool to allow both parties to work with the Lord on those issues that are damaging to the marriage. It is not about being "fair" to him as his behaviors are, at least in part, what precipitated the separation in the first place.

Your third option...."wait" is a good one. Let him know, though, that you are waiting upon the Lord to deal with your husband. He cannot change his behavior without the Lord's help. You are clearly committed to obeying the Lord in this matter, and I commend you for that. While you wait, nurture the fruits of the spirit in your own life and strengthen your commitment to our Lord and Savior. Then your waiting will be time well spent.

I will pray for your strength and obedience to God in this matter. May God's wisdom reign in your heart and in that of your husband.

In His Name,

Dori

[godslove]

i think there isn't much hope, i guess you will just have to try prayer.
sorry, just kidding about prayer being the last resort. it should be the first thing we do. try talking to God and see how your husband responds. it gets quite interesting. i have prayed for you and your husband..God bless.

[Bouncinstar]

Freedom I will be praying for you and your husband. I know from personal experience.. That only God can help your Husband. When we draw near to God.. He then draws near to us.. and the conviction of sin is heavy. I too was going through some rocky patches just a couple of months ago and was praying endlessly for my boy friend.. and the answer I received from God was I want YOU to draw near to ME and then I will give you the desires of your heart. I set my eyes on Him and haven't taken them off Him since.. The Lord has done miraculous things in my life... He can in the both of yours too :) God Bless You, I will keep you in my prayers, Lisa

[godslove]

great answer, sister lisa, very wise advice...God bless

[freedom4]

Thanks, tech, for your prayers. I also will pray for you and the difficulties you are facing right now.

Praying and waiting...

[freedom4]

Thank you, Dori, for your words of encouragement. And while I wait, I am starting a weekly seminar/support group on separation/divorce through a local church next week as well as starting to see a Christian counsellor. Thanks for your prayers.

[freedom4]

Thank you all for your prayers. I am content with my course of action to wait, but also am taking action while I wait. Your continued prayers are greatly appreciated.

[snow-angels]

Hi freedom4,

I just joined the forum tonight, and while I was browsing around I came across your post. I would like to tell you about a very good 'Christian' marriage site in case you haven't found it yet. It is called marriagebuilders.com and along with the many excellent articles by Dr. Harley, there is also a discussion forum where you can get valuable input from many people who have been where you are.

I hope this helps you along in your journey.

[kvanreenen]

Dear Freedom4,

I too am a women who is faced with the same situation. At 27, I never would have thought in a million years I would be in a married to man I could only trust as far as I could see him. I have come to the conclusion, my only option is to pray, pray, pray, and pray some more -I mean morning, noon, night, in the bed, at the dinner table, girl even at my desk at work. I've also found that surrounding myself with Godly people helps tremendously (which is why I joined this forum today). Freedom, I know how you feel. I probably know some of the things you are thinking. I too, never believed in divorce. I must say though I have been tempted to end the pain and suffering that way (at least I thought divorcing him would take away the pain). I did a complete 180 and sought God for direction instead of going with my own feelings or others around me. I refuse to give up hope. Whatever you do, dont give up on your husband. God never gave up on us nor will He, so you have to ask yourself, "who am I to give up on my husband"?. As christian women, we must strive hard to be an image of Christ. This way we will serve as an example to our husbands and they will follow. I have faith that God will bring my husband out. You too must have faith and believe with God all things are possible!!!

Your sister in Christ,
Kvanreenen

[beloved01]

Dear Freedom4

My thoughts and prayers are with you. What I have to say is to build you up not to destroy. Pray over it, allow the Lord to take away anything which is not for you.

My marriage ended 14 years ago, we were together 14 years (8 married). He was also a liar and cheat. I didn't realise how often he cheated until he left. It was an affair with with his old pals wife, he left us for her and her children (we have 2).

Like you I waited knowing I couldn't change him and I didn't want a divorce. I'm glad I did it. He still left but I know I did what was right, 'loving' him to the end. He wanted 'movie magic' love. The love I showed him was patient, gracious, understanding, calm, gentle and always giving. Does it compare?

I hand washed his filthy, excrement covered, work clothes, while he withheld money for a new washing machine, so that he could afford another home.(his secret) He was self emplyed as a plumber. I didn't want to do it but I did it all the same. I cooked fresh, homemade food for him, entertained his friends, ran his business and a thousand things I've probably forgotten about.

The point is - at the time, even though I was far away from the Lord, backsliding, He came right in close to me. I had cried out to Him and it was His Grace which gave me the strength to endure.

My ex always cried when he felt he'd been caught. Every time he said........."I never meant to hurt you"........those are the same words his new partner said to me too. He never said out loud what he'd done.

Here's what I've learned - by God's grace, love and patience.

1) The road to recovery, for you and your husband, is to speak aloud everything he has done - just as we confess with our lips that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God; to know salvation.

If he does that he'll be taking ownership of actions. If not the words ramain thoughts in our minds to be filed in the hope they never resurface. Once it's spoken it can't be put back and it's harder to ignore.

2) Counselling is a vehicle - where does he want to go?
Matthew 24 - 4 "Jesus answered: "Watch out that no one deceives you. 5- For many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am the Christ, and will deceive many.

He cannot make this change to please you. He must have a desire to be changed because he is convicted of his sin

3) Sin creates a chain to bind us which only true repentace and forgiveness can break.

When he believes this in his heart he will stop giving you ultimatums and manipulating you into believing that you are victimised. He will seek forgiveness from both the Lord and you. Why? Because he loves both of you AND has hurt both objects of his love.

Love produces action.
Resolve produces change.
Love and resolve together produce the motivation for lifelong change.

If a man expresses loves, then smashes his fist into the face of his loved one he is giving a physical displays of the depth of his love... EVERY time the fist hits the face. Equally a man who dishonours his marriage and his marriage bed, shows, by his action, how deeply he loves or is able to love.

You, Freedom4, are on the receiving end of the depth of his love for you. I know that's hard but it's true.

Christ's love
- spreading His arms wide
- allowing nails to be driven into His hands and feet,
- pinned to a cross made by cruel people to satisfy their hearts desires
- lots cast for His even His undershirt - exposing Him half naked
Christ is enduring image of the love of God

It didn't end with divorce. The Lord carried me away from the degradation my ex had put on me. I began again with the Lord, He held me, loved me, cared for me, supplied my needs, been a better 'Husband' than the one who left, become the perfect 'Father' for my children, maintained their relationship with dad these 14 years, dried my tears, comforted in illness. When I get to the bottom of my strength He comes in like a flood with life restoring energy and life fo my soul and helps me soar on wings of eagle.

Two weeks ago my beautiful daughter (18) went through the waters of baptism, her dad came along. He sat with my son (16) singing, clapping and giving praise to the Lord but he stopped going to church years ago. Afterwards I hugged him because I believed it was right to do in God's house. He received me warmly, yet there was pain and regret etched on his face. Over coffee we talked about him then he was gone.

I pray often that he will once again trust the Lord - he used to go to youth fellowship when we met. I pray he will finally put his trust in the only one who can 'save' him. Thanks to God's grace I do not hate him. I dislike him sometimes, then I see him and have love for him - not romantic or sexual love but Christian love. Unless the Lord does a work in us we cannot hope to do what he desires of us - love unconditionally.

Take, from this, whatever will build you up. I couldn't know what lay ahead. If I had I'd have believed life was over instead having a beginning. The bad times probably add up to a couple of months when you really look at it.

Separate what is emotion from what is truth. Honour the truth, not the emotion - that is what keeps pain constant and the memory from fading. Emotion dictates how we should act in order to protect us. You have a protector, Jesus Christ - set your emotions free and seek truth instead.

My sister, continue to walk in the way the Lord has given you. Continue in obedience to the Father, pray for your husband - because there is love in you for him. Focus on the Lord and know that He is able and willing to show you the way through, according to His plans for you.

Heavenly Father, Thank you for all that you have given us. Thank you, too, for the hardships we go through, the tears and the testing times. When others are unfaithful, yet you remain faithful. When others hurt us, you love with a deeper love than we can explain. When tears come you dry our eyes and bring rejoicing. When the world says go this way, you light the path for us to go your way. Only you can know the pain and suffering of my Sister in Christ. Lift her up, Lord, high above this trial and place her feet firmly on the Rock of her Salvation. Encamp around her and send your angels to guard and protect her. My prayer is not just for her but for her husband. You know what he was like before they met. You know the life he lived, not the life talks about living. You know where his understanding of love is birthed, and you know every secret that he keeps. Open his eyes, Lord. Help to see that these secrets are chains, all of them binding him to the source of the secret for eternity. Help him to realise that only through you can he be freed from this bondage. Grant to his counsellor wisdom, spritual boldness and obedience and courage to challege him and show clearly, without doubt, that his lies and deceit have brought him to this day. May the Love of Christ be in each session. Grant to him a true understanding of love according to your principles not the worlds. Every time he desires to see images or read of love, as the worlds defines it, stir his heart, make him uncomfortable, convict him deep within his spirit. Lord in your mercy be quick to pardon as you have with all people who go astray and seek true repentance.
Grant this Sister the peace which passeth all understanding and the ability to see, as you see; to hear as you hear; to have spritual understanding each time she speaks with her husband.
When you talk to her Lord, be clear and gentle, so that she pay attention to the 'still small voice' alone. According to your grace and mercy deliver her from this situation in the name of the Lord Jesus. Amen