need advice

[jaylantt]

This is probably a new one to everyone out there but I need advice and help. Recently I listed my wifes name on a personals page for her to meet a man for discreet adventures. We have been married for 12 years. While she was reluctant at first she quickly got into it and began talking to a man. At first it was IM and E-Mails but within a couple days she was talking to him on the phone. I was not discouraging what she was doing and she did not try to hide anything. It reached the point after only 2 weeks that she was going to meet him for a night. I finally told her I didn't want her to meet him so she broke it off. The problem is 1) I can't seem to get over the hurt from the sexual things she talked with him about that she would never do with me and 2) she still wants to talk to him just as friends. We are struggling very much right now and I need Christian advice.:-(

[kellymarie]

Dear Jay,are you shocked or surprised?You two need to get out of this.You put her name in a personals ad,and you're hurt cause she is talking dirty with that guy?This lifestyle will destroy your marriage,trust me I have experience with this kind of thing.I'm concerned that someone is going to get an STD or AIDS,or divorce.Please allow God in your life if you haven't yet and get centered around Him.You are living in the flesh right now and it is easy to do,we are human,but it is not too late.There is no unforgiveable sin that you could commit,Jesus took that away at the cross.You can live above this Jay.You are too precious to God,even in your sin,to live this lifestyle.It is going to take work,but remove yourself from this.I pray your marriage wont end,for you and your wife to know God with all your heart,and allow God in both of your lives.I really cannot judge you,but just suggest that you get out of it.No one has the right to judge you or anyone else,we all sin and give in to the flesh.But again,you're too precious in the sight of God to continue this.God bless you.Keep us updated on this.

[hisredeemed]

Why on earth would you encourage your wife to go outside the bounds of something as holy as marriage??? Marriage is not a joke to God! It is to be a holy and undefiled union between ONE man and ONE woman!

Why are you shocked at the resulting damage?? There is no excuse for what you've done.

Christian advice? You need to give your life to Jesus and bring your wife with you. Tell Him you're sorry for making a mockery of what He has ordained as holy and then read what the Bible says about marriage and how to behave in it.

God gave you a wife to be a protector, friend and lover for her, something you did not behave as when you parceled her out to another man.

I will take my chances on getting chastised with this but a man who puts his 'woman' out to other men is called Pimp!!! What do you prefer? Godly man or pimp?

Shame on you!!!

[Dori]

Oh, dear...this is not a new one at all. It is all too familiar. What worries me is that you don't state that you are sorry or sad that you did this in the first place. What you say the problem is, is that she would discuss sexual behaviors with this man that she wouldn't "do with you." It sounds like you believe that it would be alright for her to do pretty much anything with him, except to give to him what she wouldn't give to you.

My experience with this type of thing is all too personal. My first husband brought these behaviors in to our marriage after 11 years and quite literally forced them on me. I received some very bad advice from a well meaning christian woman who said I should "obey him and he'll come back to the Lord." He left me and our three children (homeless for a while) when I finally put my foot down and said that marriage does not include others in the bed, in fantasy or in actuality.

This digression is simply to say, of the many people I knew in his circle of "friends" that were involved in this behavior (mostly military officers and professionals) not a single marriage remains intact.

God warns us, He instructs us, He provides us with His word. The marriage bed is to be undefiled. The concept of marriage is a holy construct of the Lord Himself and is not to be trifled with. You have sinned against God and against your wife, and have led her in to behaviors that are destructive to herself and your marriage.

The advice you ask for is this (making the perhaps erroneous assumption that you are a believing christian who has gone astray.) 1)Ask the Lord to forgive you for what you have done. 2)On your knees, ask your wife to forgive you for what you have done. 3)State to her that you want to restore your marriage to what it should be. 4)Renew your covenant with her (your vows) 5)Let her know that part of restoring your marriage includes the fact that continuing any relationship with this man is not acceptable, and that "just friends" doesn't exist when the relationship began as it did. 6)Pray, Jay. There are consequences for sin, our Father has made that clear. Our forgiven state has not provided us with magical protection from those consequences, which can be lifelong and affect generations of our families. Believe me, the Word is clear in this regard, and my experience bears it out. My husbands behavior, and my initial "obedience" to him, cost us our marriage. And while I have remarried and my husband is a wonderful, christian man who parented my three boys wonderfully and, inspite of his later illness, works faithfully to be a spiritual leader in our home; my boys do not walk with the Lord. They are wonderful young men, and are developing their own lives, but not one professes faith in Christ yet. And all have been angry and depressed at times around the loss of our original family and home.

I hope that you are in time to avert the coming storm; the natural consequences of your sin. I cannot judge you, no one can but the Lord. But you must act quickly and decisively, and pray that your consequence will be light and bearable and that you will learn the lessons God has for you in this.

My prayers are with you, Jay.

In the love of Christ,
Dori