I feel stuck

[SoTired]

I really don't know what to do about my marriage. My husband and I have been married almost 9 years now. In that time, my husband has done one stupid thing after another. I don't think I love him any more and I know I don't have any respect for him. I think he is an idiot. I know that I'm not supposed to feel this way and I've prayed to God that he will show me the positive things about my husband and allow me to focus on those but it seems that just about every time I start feeling better about things, something comes up which is a direct result of my husband's stupidity to make me mad again. I'm just tired of being angry all the time and I'm tired of being in terrible situations because of my husband's stupidity. I've actually been praying recently that he will just go ahead and cheat on me so that I will have a reason to just leave. Help.

[larry]

Dear sister, I am not one to say the following will send you to hell, because it won’t, and that is only because of God’s grace. But I will say that in 2 Timothy 3:16 it says that “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:”

Praying for your husband to fall into sin in unbelievable to me, and I would not put too much stock into your marriage vows with thoughts like that. You may look back and look at your own choices when choosing your husband, and judge yourself. I guess it just hurts me to see someone criticize someone that God has given them, and joined together.

Matthew 5:22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca (a senseless, empty headed man) shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

I ask you to please read Proverbs 31:10-31 that describes of the virtuous wife, and here are portions of it.

11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.

May God bless you with wisdom to find the cure for your unhappiness through the word of God, and be the wife to your husband that encourages, and loves him like the Lord does in Jesus’ name - larry :)

[BBYN]

Tired, I will pray for you and your husband.. Just trust that God will help you. He's the only one that can.

-Blessed

[hisredeemed]

The only way you can change your feelings about your husband is to make a POINT of changing your feelings about your husband. You choose how to react towards him.

Does he have any good qualities? He may make stupid mistakes but we all do! Do you not have any bad qualities or make any mistakes?

You can't change him but you can change how you react to him and I can guarantee when you treat him well he will start responding well. How would you feel if someone treated you like you treat your husband? Honestly!

The God kind of Love is unconditional love; Love expecting nothing in return. And I can almost quarantee that that is exactly how you want people to treat you. You want people to love you as you are and love you even when you do something dumb.

My first husband did cheat on me repeatedly and I can tell you it is devastating!!!! It's not the answer you think you want, trust me!!!

Someone needs to be the bigger, more mature person, let it be you!

[SoTired]

I know that part of the problem is my fault. I treated my husband very badly the first two years we were married but I spent the next 6 years trying to make up for it. It has just been in the last 9 months that I've reached my whit's end. I got tired of trying and getting no where. There have been so many issues in the past, that I just don't know if things can ever be cleared up. And, like I've said, I'm just so tired of the whole thing.

[Brucea]

Dear one: I am praying for you and your husband. I know what it is to feel such dispair. I have been there. God can change things in your marriage. I know God did it for me. This next part may be hard to accept, please hear it. God is more concerned with your heart condition then to fix any outside circumstance. I know your heart cry when you say you wished he would cheat so you could leave. Forgiveness with a clean heart is the key. One stupid act after another is layers upon layers of unforgiveness. Could God be waiting for you to have a clean heart so he can deal with your husband on other issues. See I use to spend hours of prayer praying for God to change my wife. One night in the middle of these boo hoo sections, God showed me He wanted to change me. I had to change the way I prayed. "God change me". Come to find out I was a stumbling block untilI could pray blessing on my wife without a motive of how it would be better for me. Pray for your husband unselfishly. Ask God to direct your prayers

These truths worked for me. God bless! I'll be praying with you.

[AmericanInUk]

Gosh, you sound angry and understandable so. His behaviour has left you feeling drained. You probably feel as though all the enrgy has left your body;and is at your wits end. I can understand how you feel, but I can't understand why you would marry a man that you thought was an idiot. Was he not an idiot when your were dating him? Was he not an idiot when he proposed? So, why did you say,'' yes, I will marry you,'' to an idiot?

I'll tell you why. Now ladies, don't go reaching for the frying pan to clonk me over my head( smile). Sometimes, women marrying a man hoping to change him. We love our husbands,but feel we'll love him more after we make him over. Women can not make-over men and vise-versa, but Jesus can.

We have faults before we marry and we will have them after we marry. Even in a christian marriage there will be problems due to each other's faults. Question: Are his mistakes major ones or minor ones?A major mistake is when he doesn't take the car to the mechanic to get the brakes fixed and there is a tragic car accident. A minor one is when he forgets and sprinkles sugar on the stringg beans when he meant to use salt. Either one forgiveness is required towrds him from you, just as God forgives your mistakes.

Now, I did not hear you mention children. Please do not refer to their father as an idiot in front of them if you have any. They will think they are idiots too because they are a part of him. In fact, do not use that word at all towards describing your husband. Someone whom at one time you would have laid down your life for (as Jesus did for you) because you loved him just that much.

You and that man have a holy union whether you believe it or not. You two are one spiritually and as a married couple. So, if he's a idiot, you're an idiot.
Now, what are you two going to do about your temporary states of idiotcy?
I can strongly suggest, you two communicate and admit how you feel, and find a new direction (heavenly) in that most holy of unions. Express how you feel, the disappoints you both have in each other. AND please get on your knees together and pray for forgiveness for the hurtful tdeeds and words you two have said and done to each other. Pray for the Lord to show you two why it is you married each other in the first place. Seek christian counselling together. Try all things in Christ before you do that one worldy thing (divorce).

Also, do not pray for him to have an affair so you can leave him. Do not pray for him to be tempted to turn to another woman. Just the fact he has not done that should tell you he still loves you and respects God's union.

I shall pray for you becuase you are hurting and I shall pray for your husband because he is hurting as well.


God bless you both.

[Dori]

Dear one. I hope that you will turn your attitude toward your husband around. I understand that you feel that his behavior is hard to love; but he remains the man you married and your covenant is for life. Please read Ephesians chapter 5 and verses 22 through 33. Verse 33 states "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." To respect your husband and treat him with respect is not based upon his behavior, or his wife's view of his intelligence. It is a command of God.

You are married to this man, for better or for worse. Don't you want it to be for better? Wake up every morning and find three good things, no matter how small, to say about your husband. Then spend the day dwelling upon those three things. If something annoying happens, remember why you married him, and how he does have good qualities. If necessary, remember something silly you have done to remind yourself that we all make mistakes. Make a point of telling him you love him, and tell him how wonderful you think one of those three things is. Kiss him goodbye in the morning and greet him with a kiss of love in the evening. Think of a kind and loving thing to do for him at least once a week. I guarantee that if you give this obedience to God's word a chance, you will see your own true feelings change over time; and you may find that your annoyance with your husband's perceived foibles was pretty small after all. You will also reap a secondary reward, you will start to see your husband behave in the way he should toward you as well.

Remember that your happiness in life is determined 10% by what happens to you and 90% by your reactions to it. Attitude is important, and it can be changed.

I will pray for you.

Dori

[SoTired]

I typed this long diatribe about him and all the junk I've put up with concerning him and for some reason I got this error message. I'm not going throught that again but here is the deal in short. He won't keep a job. Everytime he gets a decent job he quits. This last time, he was out of work for a month and a half before he got a job selling cars but he's not selling cars so he isn't making any money. The job he had before paid 20.00 an hour + the most awesome benefits. Who in their right mind would leave that? Now we are living in a cabin in the middle of nowhere and have no running water. He has run us into abject poverty. And yes, I am an idiot for marrying him. If I could go back in time 9 years, I'd convert to Catholocism and become a nun! At least then, when I was living with no running water in some orphanage in the 3rd world, it would be my choice.

But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel. 1 Timothy 5: 8 (KJV)

Maybe I should stop calling him idiot and call him infidel instead?

Oh and before you even ask why I don't just go out and get a job, we only have one car and he has that from 7:30 in the morning until 10:30 at night. And we live in the middle of nowhere. And I do mean nowhere.

[larry]

Dear sister on Christ, reading this last message of yours, you have already refrained from some of the things you said in your first post. Thank you, and God can, and will help you; it is not based on you being good, but His great grace and promises to us.

You did not mention having children, so is there the possibility of getting a job in the same city as your huband, and sharing the car until you get on your feet again?

May God bless you, and help you in your time of need in the wonderful name of Jesus - larry :)

[SoTired]

No unfortunately I allowed him to be a sperm donor for me. And I did it not once but twice. I have a 5 year old daughter and a 4 year old son.

I've pretty much made up my mind now, though. I'm leaving him. I've been so depressed about our situation that I've been seeing a coucelor. She told me yesterday that it is time to face the fact that as long as I stay with him, he is going to continue to control me and keep me and the kids down. She is not the first person who has told me that. Most of my friends and family have been begging me to leave him for months. I'm not going to say that this will lead to divorce but he needs to grow up. And maybe the only way I can wake him up is to just go.

[Rufus]

No unfortunately I allowed him to be a sperm donor for me. And I did it not once but twice. I have a 5 year old daughter and a 4 year old son.

I've pretty much made up my mind now, though. I'm leaving him. I've been so depressed about our situation that I've been seeing a coucelor. She told me yesterday that it is time to face the fact that as long as I stay with him, he is going to continue to control me and keep me and the kids down. She is not the first person who has told me that. Most of my friends and family have been begging me to leave him for months. I'm not going to say that this will lead to divorce but he needs to grow up. And maybe the only way I can wake him up is to just go.

I see that you are being led by the counsel of counselors and friends. Is their scripture you might citge that is leading you to this decision?

[OneJoe]

So much for biblical wisdom in hard times SoTired. Most people come on this chat forum to ask for advice from God's word, not just to degrade their spouce and call them stupid. Perhaps the problem is not your husbands knowledge or intellect, but rather a hateful side which only God can help with? You seem to resent the fact that your husband is "controlling", but at least he is not willingly forfeiting his position as head of the family. The all to common problem today is women want to wear the pants in the family rather than submitting to their husband and they complain there is problems in the household. A man who does not have control in his home but leaves the control to the woman is a lazy man and good for nothing. You claim your husband is stupid, but it is you which we see a bitter and hateful side of which seems unbecoming of a Godly woman. If this sounds like judgment, perhaps that is the case. A person can only see your fruits and from what most people can see in your writings it is for the most part degrading and stirs up more strife. Does it make you feel better to call your husband stupid? I'm only being honest with you. The way you speak of your husband it is no surprise you have troubles at home. You ask counselors for advice. You hearken to the words of your friends. You have obviously spent a great deal of time seeking advice from the secular world. Perhaps you should spend an equal amount of time in God's word. Hearken to the words of God. Listen to what the apostle Paul says about judging ourselves. Maybe your husband is not leading a biblical life either, but your behavior at this rate will help you none. Were suppose to be an example and calling our spouce, brother, sister, or mother stupid is far from being a biblical example. Step back, read the bible, judge yourself and whether your actions and speech are that of a biblical woman.

1Pe 3:9 Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.
1Pe 3:10 For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:
1Pe 3:11 Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.
1Pe 3:12 For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.

[SoTired]

Thanks Dori, but honestly, it's too late for this kind of stuff. I've been his door mat for the last 6 years. I have done all I could to revitalise our marriage. I've done what he told me to do. I've lived where he wanted us to live and I've done all this with out complaining or saying one word to him about how much I hated where we were and the situations he repeatedly put us in. There are some men who simply cannot be reached and he's one of them.

[SoTired]

So much for biblical wisdom in hard times SoTired. This is not the first time we have been in this position. I've stuck it out a lot longer and put up with a a lot more than most women would. Most people come on this chat forum to ask for advice from God's word, not just to degrade their spouce and call them stupid. Did you read my original post. I stated that I did not want to feel that way and that I wanted to be able to change. But I suppose after months an months of soul searching, I'm tired of changing only to find that the new me doesn't make him any happier than the old me. Perhaps the problem is not your husbands knowledge or intellect, but rather a hateful side which only God can help with? Once upon a time, I did love him. The resentment and anger you see today has been building over the course of 8 1/2 years. And I did not get to this place alone. You seem to resent the fact that your husband is "controlling", but at least he is not willingly forfeiting his position as head of the family. If only he would step up to the plate and be the man of the house. He will not keep a job. If it were up to him and he knew I could make the money, he would be perfectly fine with me going out and making the money while he stays home with the kids. He has no idea what our bank account looks like because he doesn't want to know. He lets me handle all the bills. What is so funny is that he gets all ticked off when the bills don't get paid but yet, he's not putting any money into the account. Where he is controlling is he has me locked in the house 24/7. I can't go anywhere. I can't do anything. I'm not allowed to go anywhere at all with out his consent. Every evening when he comes home, he checks the caller ID and gives me the 3rd degree if he sees a number he doesn't recognise. The all to common problem today is women want to wear the pants in the family rather than submitting to their husband and they complain there is problems in the household. Like I already stated, I would LOVE for him to finally step up to the plate and be a Godly man. A man who does not have control in his home but leaves the control to the woman is a lazy man and good for nothing. You said it, I didn't but I agree whole heartedly. You know, there have actually been times in our marriage when I worked two jobs while he sat at home and did nothing. This was before the kids but he was so sorry that I paid his child support for him so that his ex-wife and child from a previous marriage wouldn't have to do without. You claim your husband is stupid, but it is you which we see a bitter and hateful side of which seems unbecoming of a Godly woman. Is there any wonder I'm bitter? If this sounds like judgment, perhaps that is the case. A person can only see your fruits and from what most people can see in your writings it is for the most part degrading and stirs up more strife. Oh, I'm all too aware that my fruits are spoiled right now and the longer I stay in this loveless, hopeless marriage the worse they will become. Does it make you feel better to call your husband stupid? I'm only being honest with you. The way you speak of your husband it is no surprise you have troubles at home. This has been a very recent thing. I've always tried to think of him as intelligent but when you are on your 4th cycle of poverty caused by his lack of gainful employment, you start to wonder about his intelligence. You ask counselors for advice. You hearken to the words of your friends. You have obviously spent a great deal of time seeking advice from the secular world. Nope. Many of these are very strong Christians. Many of these people see the abuse that he has repeatedly inflicted on me and the kids. I don't think Jesus would want a woman to sacrifice the welfare of her children to a sorry man. Perhaps you should spend an equal amount of time in God's word. Hearken to the words of God. Listen to what the apostle Paul says about judging ourselves. What about what Paul says about a husband should love his wife as Christ loves the Church? I don't feel that kind of love and haven't for quite some time. Maybe your husband is not leading a biblical life either, but your behavior at this rate will help you none. To say he's leading an unbiblical life would be the understatement of the century. If I were to tell you some of the things he's asked me to do recently, you would probably be quite appalled. Were suppose to be an example and calling our spouce, brother, sister, or mother stupid is far from being a biblical example. Step back, read the bible, judge yourself and whether your actions and speech are that of a biblical woman. I know you don't believe me but I'm trying. I really am but I am furious and I do believe that my anger is justified. I believe it is justified Biblically as well as otherwise.

[/quote]1Pe 3:9 Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.
1Pe 3:10 For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:
1Pe 3:11 Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.
1Pe 3:12 For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.[/QUOTE] Thanks.