8 months pregnant and no help from husband

[michellec62604]

Hello everyone,
I was just looking for some advice on dealing with my husband. I am 8 months pregnant with our first and we recently moved out of state due to a job transfer for my husband. My husband and I had a long talk before we moved about the fact that the house we bought needs a lot of work and that I'm going to need a lot of help cleaning up the house and unpacking not to mention setting up the nursery. My husband promised me that he would take care of everything and that I wouldn't need to worry about anything, that he would handle it. Well nothing is getting done. At first I would just ask my husband to help me move this box or help me reach this shelf and he would get very angry telling me that he needed time to relax (he does have a very physically demanding job). So I try to only ask for his help when I absolutely need it. But even then I'll ask him to do something (he won't) and then a few days later I'll ask again (usually not very nicely) and he just tells me that stuff doesn't need to get done right away and that I need to stop nagging him. I don't mind if he takes his time but he puts stuff off for so long that his list of stuff to do is just getting larger and larger and I know there will be no time to do this after the baby is born and I just don't know what to do to get him to see we don't have all this time that he thinks we have. My husband has always been there and helped me with stuff in the past and I don't understand why all of a sudden me asking for help is so hard for him to deal with. It's really putting a strain on our marriage. I've been praying for guidance and strength since we moved but is there something I can say or do or some way I can change my husband's focus so that he'll want to help me? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
michellec62604

[larry]

Dear Michelle, I am so glad to hear that he didn't leave you when eight months pregnant, and fail to help you finacially as the manner of many are in this day.

You say that his job is physically demanding, and he has suggested leaving the stuff as it is for the time being; that must be because he cannot deal with it at this time due to the change for him also. Be thankful you have a husband that does work to meet your obligations, and it sounds as if you do not have to go out yourself and work; what a blessing that is in today's economy.

I just suggest that you give him all the space he needs at this time, and love and support him in every way you can; he is probably going through much stress too with the new location. You and the baby to come are not going to die without everything being neat, and put away; even a place in the corner by you for the crib is plently sufficient instead a nursery. Also wait untill the baby is born before trying to do anything yourself, and the baby will sleep giving you plenty of time to whittle away at it a box at a time.

May God bless you and your husband, and give you the patience, knowledge, and wisdom to be the help meet he despertely needs at this time in the precious name of Jesus - larry :)

[hisredeemed]

Next time your hubby comes home, during dinner, break out the phone book and ask him to help you find someone you can pay to help you.

Tell him you now understand it must be overwhelming at his new job/with this new move and that you would have no problem with someone else helping you so he can concentrate on his new job. Either he will help you find someone or he will start helping once he sees how much it costs.


See his perspective. He's gonna be a new father, with a new routine/new co-workers/new job, that's physically demanding. He's probably overwhelmed by it all. Tell him that the only thing you would like his help with is the nursery so it has both Mommy and Daddy's touch. Tell him you'll make a wonderful breakfast and lunch for that day. Make sure the day stays positive.


In the meantime, at 8 months preggers you do NOT need to be doing all that work! As long as you have unpacked all the essentials it will all have to wait. Your and the baby's health are the utmost importance right now and you're getting to the point you need plenty of rest and none of the aggravation.

[Kasumi]

Is it possible that he is just overwhelmed and feeling a little scared and stressed? Having a new job, a new house, moving to a new town, AND having a new baby is a lot of new all at once. I know you said that he said he would take care of things, but maybe he wasn't prepared for all the work and all the new that he was about to face. Does that make sense? He agreed because he wants to take care of you and make sure you're happy and safe and all that, but he had no idea what his new reality was going to be. Its a lot to deal with- for both of you.

Additionally, men don't always feel pregnant like we do. Its easy for both the baby and the pregnancy to not be quite real to them They know in their minds and all... but its not a physical reality to them. They can still see their feet, they don't get tired from every day stuff, and they don't feel someone dancing the samba on their bladders all day. So, it may seem to him you're asking a lot more than is usual for you, forgetting your current physical reality. Yes, he can see it, but he can't feel it... there's a difference.

Be aware that he might also feel jealous of the baby once it gets here. He probably won't admit it, but he'll feel like all you do is pay attention to the baby and neglect and ignore him. Its quite an adjustment for men. My husband is usually very very honest with me about such things, and it wasn't until I was talking with my parents about how my husband was saying he was jealous of our first that my father admitted he felt the same way. He said that it's not just with the first either, guys can get that way about each one. My dad said its like the men's version of postpartum depression and a guy can't help but feel he's getting lower and lower in his wife's prioirities. Babies require a lot of maintenence, but so do husbands, so make sure to carve out a little time for him, too. I am a firm believer in baby wearing and breastfeeding... if it weren't for those two things, my husband would have really felt neglected. Wearing the baby meant that often times, the baby was snuggled close, and I knew he was safe, and yet I still had two hands free and freedom to move around. My husband and I would go for walks along the beach or out to dinner or whatever and the baby became a non-issue. It was as close as I could get to the ease of bringing the baby when I was pregnant. Breastfeeding, too... no formula to mix and measure, no bottles to heat up, no worrying about how we'll heat it if we're out, just always ready, perfect temperature, perfect food for our little one.

As for your current dilemma, talk with him. Be honest. Tell him that it could just be you. It could just be that you are a little more sensitive now, but you feel like he's getting mad at you for having real needs for his help. Explain that for your sanity you need to have some things ready for the baby. It's called "nesting", and it is very real and very necessary. It helps to "seal the deal" and make the baby a reality for you. It also makes it easier to take it easy when the baby does arrive to allow yourself time to heal. But sit down with him and set priorities. Decide what absolutely must be done before the baby arrives. For me, all I needed was to have the carseat installed, and the sling washed. But I am a very no-frills kinda gal. We didn't even have a "nursery" or a crib for that matter. But I know every one is different.

Having a baby isn't an easy task. It is more physically demanding than any other job, and it is one of the most important things you'll ever do. Ask for his help, only for the most necessary things, and get to the rest once you've had your rest. The baby will only know 2 things when he/she gets here: comfortable and uncomfortable. I promise the baby won't notice or care if the dishes are done or if the floor is mopped or if there are still boxes to be unpacked. Just relax and prepare yourself to fall in love withthe biggest blessing God has ever entrusted you with.