Still friends with now married ex-girlfriend

[jz1english]

Hello,

I have a question, I have a friend whom I used to date. In fact, we used to be engaged. Since our break up she has gotten married and now has one child with another on the way. There were times prior to her marriage when we were probably closer than we should have been considering she was with another man. We actaully did get physical (no sex) a couple of times while she was going out with the guy. Since her marriage though, we have drawn back from any kind of activity like that. We have grown to respect the boundaries of our present relationship. I support her marriage and her new family life. However, recently, she found out that her husband has been having an affair for about the past six months. It has really crushed her. She has really depended on me to make it through this period and I have tried to do the best I can to support her and still keep things on a friendship level. There is no doubt that with what has happened, we both have thought about the possibility of getting back together again. However, the bottom line for me is that she is still married and she still has a chance to repair her marriage and make her family life what she wants it to be. Does anyone have an advice for how I should proceed in this situation. I somtimes think that I would like to be with her again if things do not work out with her husband; but I make sure to just be her friend right now. Am I out of line anywhere? What is the right thing to do? Should I not be talking to her at all? I actually had them both over for dinner this week so I am trying to be as supportive as possible. Your thoughts will be appreciated.

God Bless,
John

[hisredeemed]

This relationship is not a good idea while she is married. As a Christian you shouldn't be having any kind of contact with a married woman without her husband being present.

She needs to figure out what she is going to do and do it. Neither of you is impartial and any further physical contact whether sexual or not is adultery. You have an emotional relationship. If she wants to divorce her husband you should have ZERO imput!

After that you can decide whether or not to have a relatiohsip AFTER the both of you have sought the counsel of the Lord. You need to back off!

[jz1english]

Yes, but doesn't my support of them trying to work things out eliminate me as a negative influence? For instance, they have started to attend my Church because of me. In fact, the husband had never attended Church before. So it seems like I am having a positive influence. Or, am I trying to rationalize this?

[Tom]

“We actaully did get physical (no sex) a couple of times while she was going out with the guy. Since her marriage though, we have drawn back from any kind of activity like that”

That’s noble of you, John.


“We have grown to respect the boundaries of our present relationship”

No. You haven’t.


“recently, she found out that her husband has been having an affair for about the past six months”

I can’t imagine how you found out.


“She has really depended on me to make it through this period”

Old boyfriends always make great marriage counselors.


“I have tried to do the best I can to support her and still keep things on a friendship level”

I’ll bet.


“with what has happened, we both have thought about the possibility of getting back together again”

Really? Who would have guessed?


“Does anyone have an advice for how I should proceed in this situation. I somtimes think that I would like to be with her again if things do not work out with her husband”

Yes. Here’s some advice: You shouldn’t be “proceeding” with the situation. She’s married, John. You’ve gone way too far, already.


“Am I out of line anywhere? What is the right thing to do? Should I not be talking to her at all?”

You’re totally out of line, John. It’s not difficult to see right through your “I’m only here to help” nonsense. You’re deceiving yourself and Satan is sitting on your shoulder with his hand over one of your eyes (the eye attached to your brain). The right thing to do is stop acting like her savior when you’re actually helping make her troubled marriage more troubled. You’re making it more likely her kids will be visiting one of their parents, soon.

Stay away from her. Find a woman to court who isn’t married. She’ll be a lot better-off without your “support.” She can make a more rational decision without your admittedly biased influence. If she ends-up divorced (without any help from you) then you’re free to involve yourself all you want.


“Your thoughts will be appreciated”

I’m sure.

Tom

[jz1english]

Thanks Tom. Your responses were not easy to read but I appreciate the honesty. What about the fact that I have explained much of what you said to her already and tried to make her understand that it is not necessarily a good idea for us to be talking right now? She retorts by saying that whether or not her marriage survives or not will have nothing to do with me. She claims that he is either going to be the man she needs him to be or not. I should add that they are in counseling. However, she has failed to bring up whether it is a good idea for us to be friends like I have asked her to.

[Tom]

First, John, I applaud you for taking a licking from two of us (appropriate as the lickings were) and coming back with an open mind and an open heart with follow-up questions. You deserve good answers to your good questions without persistent thrashings. So, I’ll put down my stick, for the moment.


“She retorts by saying that whether or not her marriage survives or not will have nothing to do with me”

John, to claim your current impact on her has zero influence on decisions with regard to her husband would be presumptive at best and more probably impossible. Particularly decisions leading up to the big one.

If you get together later, do you want the question of whether you had anything to do with their break-up to remain in your mind, in her mind and in the minds of her children?

Besides, John, basic, good moral judgment tells you that having an intimate relationship (even though not physical) with a married woman is wrong. There are plenty of people on this website that’ll quote you plenty of scripture, about that. As you know, I’m not a big scripture quoter. My parents had a way of stuffing good moral sense into me without a lot of scripture.


“She claims that he is either going to be the man she needs him to be or not”

That’s a wise position. I commend her for that.


“I should add that they are in counseling. However, she has failed to bring up whether it is a good idea for us to be friends like I have asked her to”

If she asks that question and she has a good Christian counselor, the answer she arrives at will be a solid NO. The good, Christian counselor may not answer her directly but will lead her to her conscience. Her conscience has already answered the question. That’s why she doesn’t want to mention it.

I know how tough it is to make the right decision in this situation, John. Pray for guidance and strength. If you do the right thing, you’ll feel punished at first (she’ll seem upset with you) but you’ll be rewarded later (she’ll respect you even more). I promise.

Tom

[hisredeemed]

Your support of them is tainted. Because you have what's called a 'Soul Tie', an inappropriate emotional connection, you're contaminating any progress.

She can use her tie to you as an excuse for an instant out. He may try the best he can but not live up to what she has idealized in you. You two are playing with fire.

If you have had any intimacy, physical or emotional, they don't belong at your church. They need to make a clean break and go their own church.

The Holy Spirit is the one Who leads. He can use anyone to bring them to church, not just you.

You need to leave this married woman alone!

[hisredeemed]

Have you ever heard the term, 'Just Walk Away"? Why are you still talking to this married woman?? How about you start talking to her husband?? Not as attractive, is it?

You both sound incredibly selfish and immature. I wonder how her kids would feel about you being ingrained in their parents......

[simmu]

i think that being a friend with an Ex-girlfriend visa vesa,is a very dangerous thing, especially in your situation where you were once engaged. she has a family now and has to work on reparing her marriage,your motive will go the wrong way one day. both of you are keeping in touch because you have a hope that you could work things out and get back together. if you really are a friend and care about her i think you should move on with your life and let her go

[simmu]

hey Tom, i must say your responses are very direct and true, it hard to really do the right thing but its worth it.

thank you i learnt a lot from them

[kellymarie]

jz1english,just read your posts.You have a history together,yes,but she is married and has a family.She is too dependent on you,and it's inappriate for you and her to talk about this kind of thing together.When you talk about details like this with someone who was once an intimate part of your life,you start comparing,and telling too much.You're going to end up in her bed if you're not careful. She needs to talk to a woman from church,or better yet stick with the counselor with her husband.I doubt her husband would approve of you and her talking like this.This is a crush to him as a man,for his wife to tell another man details of their marriage,even if he did something so stupid and selfish by having an affair.So,your best bet would be to support her from afar,by backing away now,and possibly cutting contact to no contact at all.It is their problem and you're not a part of it,it's off limits.I think you would find this wrong if the situation were reversed.Next time she starts talking to you about this,tell her that you cannot hear this anymore and to talk to her husband.This may hurt you both but it's better than ending up doing something you both will regret.Respect her marriage,and hopefully she will start respecting her marriage.

[jz1english]

I want to thank you all for your candid advice. I have taken care of the problem and cut off communication with her.

John

[kellymarie]

jz1english,that is good to hear.May God continue to bless your life and grow you up in Him.We hope to see you in the CCF a lot more and join in even more.Take care.