Just wanted someone to confess to ...

[FellerofTrees]

Hiya all,
I just got started on this forum but I already have some difficult questions about my life. I'm soo sorry this is such a long post but it really helps to get it all out in the open.

I have been going through a really rough time in my life somewhat recently. I'm 18 and I just started college but thankfully that is not the problem, it actually seems to be helping some. Imagine that! Anyway, I feel like I need to explain what has been going on up to this point in my life so you all could understand, maybe, some of the craziness that I call my life. Anyway, at the beginning of my senior year of high school I broke up with my first boyfriend. Our relationship was the longest I have had yet and it was my first love as well. I had had a crush on him since we were in 6th grade and we started dating in the early part of our sophmore year. Consecuently the ensuing 2 year relationship caused some problems. I know now, especially, just how many problems our relationship had and I realize that it probably was not meant to be. However it took a lot out of me. I was so unsure, upset sad and angry, and it was hard for me to deal with it.

Before this time I felt that I had a good relationship with God. I knew He loved me, and I still believe that. I was confident that I knew what He was calling me to. I was sure, then, that I was meant to help the people around me. I felt called to take care of my friends and offer advice and consolation and anything else that was needed. It seemed like that at least. It was basically the only thing I felt that I was truly good at.

Anyway, when we broke up, I felt very lost, confused and hurt. I hurt a lot, and I had trouble, as I have always had, giving my cares over to God. (I know He exists! I just have trouble letting him take over because I'm pig-headed and have a hero complex.) I was very depressed and I felt like I had not done my duty. When I realized that the reasons I had told myself (not the ones my friends had for our breakup) didn't make sense, I was in despair. To me, I had given up on someone I loved for basically no reason at all! I was so despairing and ashamed that I felt I could not bear to face God with my base decisions and choices. I tried many times, sometimes very hard and sometimes not so much so, to give up all my cares to God. As my teachers and those whom I admire greatly advised me to. Somehow I could not totally give up all my cares, and I felt like I was turning so much further from Him.

All my friends tried so hard to help me, and I am greatful for them. I probably would never have made it out alive or at least without so many scars. But even with them giving it all they had, I finally tired them out after a few months of my despair and depression. My best friends became frustrated with me because they could not help me. They didnt understand why I felt so much despair in ther first place. I dont know why they weren't able to help me. It seems so silly that my best friends (who love God and had at one point been in a similar situation) could not help me. However,the one person that seemed able to help was my friend Robbie.He was an aquaintence(at the time) but I had always been drawn to him, in a friend manner as well as having a crush on him. Soon after my ex and I broke up, Robbie began to hang out with me more and we talked a lot and he helped me deal with my frustrations and despair. My crush on him grew (and now that i think back on it<it was around nov i think> i may have been reaching out to someone cuz i felt so alone but i truly belive that i liked robbie in his own right he was not just a rebound!) and finally i ended up kissing him which began our relationship. I feel that i did not give robbie a fair chance at a relationship becuase of my own obsession and despair that i still harbored from my previous relationship. I feel that he put up with a lot of things that normal boys would not and he listened to my despair about my ex and didnt recoil or throw me out or refuse to listen. I believe he cared about me, probably not as anything more than platonic but he still cared and with my best friends being frustrated at me because they could not help me I owe him a lot for helping keep me afloat when i quite possibly would have drowned.
I have always detested alcohol, drugs even just smoking and i had never wanted to try these things even with the promise that they would take away pain that i had and help me forget. (Dont worry i know they dont. I would never try drinking until im 21 and i still dont think ill like it then either.) Even though ive had other things that have pained me almost as much as my new problems i had never ever ever thought of them. But after all this happened i actually thought about drinking or smoking cigarettes. I didnt go through with anything like that thankfully but, and i know its hard for some people to understand why this seems so terrible to me, I still thought about it. I remember reading a verse in the Bible, i dont know where it is but it went something like this " that even thinking about a sin was as bad as actually commiting that sin". Or something to that effect at least. I did do one thing which i regret but still have problems with. I know it sounds stupid, but I punched our punching bag till my hands bled. I know this doesnt sound that bad but it ws the fact that i did it to cause pain and that i knew what i was doing and didnt stop it that makes it so bad. Effectivly it was cutting. When my friends found out i got a harsh verbal lecture from all of them. I never did it again even though sometimes i wanted to. But i was so ashamed of myself that it turned me further from God.

Its not that i didnt believe in God or even that i believed that He didnt care, it was the fact that i was too ashamed to go to Him even though i knew He would forgive me. Part of it was my own belief about repentance of sin, I believe that no matter what sin you commit, be it murder rape sucide cursing His name or anything, that as long as you truly felt sorry truly repented that it would be forgiven. I guess i didnt feel that i was truly sorry.

To be continued ...

[Tom]

“I'm 18” “at the beginning of my senior year of high school I broke up with my first boyfriend. Our relationship was the longest I have had yet” “I had had a crush on him since we were in 6th grade and we started dating in the early part of our sophmore year” “I realize that it probably was not meant to be” “Soon after my ex and I broke up, Robbie began to hang out with me more” “My crush on him grew” “I felt called to take care of my friends and offer advice and consolation”


Feller: Get a grip. Of course a 6th grade crush isn’t “meant to be.” Do you have any parents? Do they care? Why are they allowing you to have a “boyfriend” in 6th grade, and to date and have romantic “relationships” at 15 and 16? Will you find that acceptable for your own daughter?

Your recent life has been a shambles of “relationship” drama. You’re jumping from one drama-queen episode, to another. And, between episodes, you're involving yourself with other teens’ drama. Don’t you have anything important to spend your time and energy on? Like, school, maybe?

Why are you dating? Why do you seek romantic “relationships”? Are you looking for a husband? Dating (courting) should be for the purpose of finding a husband. You shouldn’t be dating for fun, love, excitement, companionship or something to do. You’re a teenager. You shouldn’t have a boyfriend. You shouldn’t have an “ex.” You should have friends who are boys.

I applaud you for rejecting “alcohol, drugs and smoking” but, you left out sex. Sinful sex is one of the pitfalls of this boyfriend, dating, relationship foolishness as a teenager.

You will have no trouble coming back to Jesus (and being forgiven by Him) if you drop all this relationship drama-queen nonsense and get on with your current mission in life. You don’t hear Jesus because you’re so involved with this crud. Stop it, already.

Tom

[SemperReformanda]

Why are they allowing you to have a “boyfriend” in 6th grade, and to date and have romantic “relationships” at 15 and 16? Will you find that acceptable for your own daughter?


Out of curiousity Tom, is there any biblical reason why you would not?

[Rylee]

Tom: Please, ask yourself this --- do you feel as though your advice really helped the poster, or did you just feel like ranting?

Dating, like it or not, is part of being a teenager. As a matter of fact, there are Sunday school lessons pertaining to dating for teenagers/young adults. Teenagers, like the rest of us, develop feelings for each other. It is only natural that they date. Note that I never mentioned anything about having a sexual relationship. Did you ever date as a teenager? You quoted the "I'm 18" part... but when you're 18, you're a legal adult, and at that point I don't see anything wrong with having a serious relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for several, several years and we began dating in high school. As long as both parties are focused on God first, then they shouldn't be scolded. This person was looking for friendly advice.

Furthermore (and then I'll stop), I find your first sentence insulting. Why would you ask a young person if their parents care? Also, I don't find it fair that you're questioning their motives as parents when you don't know the situation. They're probably doing the best job they can to raise their child, and the last thing they need is an outsider juding their parenting style.

[Tom]

“Teenagers, like the rest of us, develop feelings for each other. It is only natural that they date”

No. Childrens’ feelings for each other are natural but, children dating is a factor of our culture. Do you think our culture is inclined in the right direction on this issue?

I’m three times (plus) your age of 25, Rylee. When I was young, we called it “courting.” Major activities/relationships in children’s lives we’re controlled by parents, then. (Crazy idea, huh? Parents controlling their kids?) Decent parents didn’t allow kids to have intimate, one-on-one relationships until they became adults or were married.


“You quoted the "I'm 18" part... but when you're 18, you're a legal adult, and at that point I don't see anything wrong with having a serious relationship”

I agree. When you’re an adult (18) you’re responsible for your own stupid, life-changing decisions. That, however, doesn’t exempt you from warnings from people who’ve had experience at that age; particularly after asking "some difficult questions about my life".


“This person was looking for friendly advice”

She can get “friendly advice” from her teenage “friends.” Hopefully, she’s looking for something more accurate, honest and mature.


“I find your first sentence insulting. Why would you ask a young person if their parents care?”

Insulting to whom? Not Feller. She’s not responsible for her parents. Most parents don’t care enough to step-in when a child becomes involved in these life-changing, romantic relationships.


“They're probably doing the best job they can to raise their child, and the last thing they need is an outsider juding their parenting style”

I’m not judging their “style.” I’m judging their results. Read the original post, again. Is that the teenage drama you’d want for your child?


“I have been with my boyfriend for several, several years and we began dating in high school”

So....why are you dating for “several, several years,” Rylee? Having a difficult time deciding if he’s husband material?

Tom

[SemperReformanda]

“Teenagers, like the rest of us, develop feelings for each other. It is only natural that they date”

No. Childrens’ feelings for each other are natural but, children dating is a factor of our culture. Do you think our culture is inclined in the right direction on this issue?
Tom

She didnt say children, Tom. She said teenagers. You know, that "adolescent" stage that western culture has invented to allow us to put off the responsabilty of adulthood for several more years after we cease being children. I'll ask again, is there any biblical reason why you think they shoudn't date, or court, or whatever you want to call it at that age?

[Tom]

“She didnt say children, Tom. She said teenagers….. is there any biblical reason why you think they shoudn't date”

I apologize for not making my position clear. I’m very rarely accused of that.

I never said adults shouldn’t date. There is no biblical reason for single adults not dating. I said I agreed (above) with Rylee’s assertion that, “when you're 18, you're a legal adult, and at that point I don't see anything wrong with having a serious relationship”.

I do believe adult teenagers (18 and 19) often need help getting things in the right order. It’s easy for a young person to get education, career choice, serious relationship, marriage, sex and making babies in the wrong order. Thus, my comment about “warnings from people who’ve had experience at that age”.

Can we agree, now? Or do you wish to make a biblical case that children (17 and under) should be permitted, by their parents, to form loving, romantic, intimate relationships with persons of the opposite sex and be given opportunity for one-on-one, unsupervised contacts with them?

Tom