How to stop flirting?

[nevaeh333]

One of my friends has a problem, and I thought I would see if you have any advice because I sure don't have any. He has a real need to be social. He craves people. It keeps him going. But he's not that great at making friends. He has me and like, a couple other guy friends, but he says he's not even sure how that happened. It just kinda fell into place. And with girls, he's had more success because he tends to flirt heavily without really trying. They instantly "connect" with him, and their great friends, but after a few weeks or months, they assume that he likes them or is madly in love with them. And while he is usually attracted to these girls, he doesn't think God wants him dating at this age. So they get hurt because he doesn't love them, and the friendship gets spoiled. He gets depressed, and then when he finally tries reaching out, it all happens again. He's tried to be friends without flirting, but it hasn't been working. Got any tips on how he can stop flirting while still maintaining friendships with these girls? Or on how he can get some more guy friends, which is what I think he really needs?

[Tom]

“One of my friends has a problem” “He has a real need to be social”

Antisocial would be better?


“They (girls) instantly "connect" with him, and their great friends, but after a few weeks or months, they assume that he likes them or is madly in love with them”

Who’s stupidity is that?


“And while he is usually attracted to these girls, he doesn't think God wants him dating at this age”

Sounds like his head’s on straight.


“So they get hurt because he doesn't love them, and the friendship gets spoiled”

No. The friendship gets spoiled because they expect him to love them.


“with girls, he's had more success because he tends to flirt heavily without really trying. They instantly "connect" with him”

You sound a bit envious that girls “instantly connect” with your friend. Maybe the “flirting” you see is just your rationalization of his reason for success. If he’s “not really trying,” he’s not really flirting, is he?


“Got any tips on …how he can get some more guy friends, which is what I think he really needs?”

He’s got you. That’s probably all the “guy friend” advice he needs.

Tom

[nevaeh333]

Antisocial would be better?

No, I'm not saying that being social is his problem. Just that his way of getting friends isn't working for him.


You sound a bit envious that girls “instantly connect” with your friend.
Maybe the “flirting” you see is just your rationalization of his reason
for success. If he’s “not really trying,” he’s not really flirting, is he?

While I definately admit to being jealous of them much of the time, he knows that his excessive flirting is messing things up. He's said it himself. We've talked about quite a bit. Even if not trying means he's not flirting, then the problem just becomes, "How does he stop the girls from thinking that he's flirting?"

Thanks, Tom. I'm suprised that you caught the jealousy thing. I didn't realize that I was that obvious. Maybe I should work on that some more, huh?

[nevaeh333]

Oh, and he asked me to change the "friendship gets spoiled" to" "he hits a roadblock." I'm not sure I can define that, but there you go.

[Rylee]

Have you ever tried introducing him to your group of friends? Tell him to get involved in school activities and meet some new people. Girls at that age are very emotional and hormonal and some of them will go overboard if they receive attention from a guy. This is not your friends fault (unless he intends on flirting with them, which it doesn't sound like he does by the tone of your post). He just needs to tone it down, that's all. It's really not that hard to not flirt (sorry for the double negative). Just don't make certain comments, and I'm sure that he can figure out what comments are flirtatious comments and what comments are just words between friends. I do think that he would have better luck to first try to gain some guy friends. You, along with his other guy friends, just need to help him expand his social circle. Does he attend a church with a strong youth group? If not, maybe he could get involved with a church that has a lot of youth from around the area. Last but not least, there's always clubs and sports and that sort of thing. Hope all goes well. :)