Problems at home

[Kelev]

I need some advice concerning my situation at home. My wife and I are coming up on our second wedding anniversary, and the marriage is getting much worse. We are both Christians, and we have a 10 month old daughter.

Before we got married, we worked out a lot of the details regarding work, taking care of the house, child rearing, etc. My wife's lifelong dream was to be a housewife; requiring, of course, a husband with a stable job. Coming from such a home, I had no problem assuming the role of wage-earner so that my wife could stay home.

The problems started as soon as we were married. My in-laws never taught my wife how to clean a house, or pay bills, or even basic cooking skills, and my wife never bothered to learn after she left their house. I have tried to help, showing her step-by-step how to accomplish all of those tasks. There's been off and on friction since we were married - I've been faithful to put a roof over our heads, food on the table, and clothes on our backs, but the housework never gets started (much less done). Every couple of weeks, I'd get fed-up with the state of the house, and put everything in order, only to see the house return to chaos two days later.

Things only got worse when we found out, five months into the marriage, that she was pregnant. Then, in June of last year, I was accepted to medical school. In August, I joined the military (partially to help pay for school, and make sure that we'd have enough cash-flow to eat, etc).

Now here I am one year later, and things are not any better. With the responsibilities that I have, I need my wife to take care of things at home, so I can provide for my family (if I fail at school, I will be leaving the country for 18+ months immediately). I have done everything I can think of to help her and to make her life easier, but I am starting to fall behind in my classes.

I feel like I got shafted - I got a daughter instead of a help-mate.

[Haeker]

Being in the military, I realize that it's hard to build and hold a relationship. Being in Korea makes it worse, but I'm certain it's never easy to have a close, endearing marriage while serving in the armed forces.

I... do not have the answers. But I can tell you that prayer is perhaps the best thing you can do. He does have the answers, after all.

[Shine4Him]

Kelev, First I have a couple of questions for you. Does your wife still want to be a stay at home mother and housewife...just wondering if its what she expected? Also, does she seem to genuinely want to learn how to be a good housekeeper? Is cooking classes a possibility? or someone to come in once a week to help clean a possibility? Or is there anyone in your church that wouldn't mind volunteering to help teach your wife these things?
I can tell you love your wife and want your marriage to work or you wouldn't be seeking help. It's hard to know what to say here, but know that I am praying for you both.

[angelinwaiting]

I think that you need to stop doing the house work and stuff for your wife and concentrate on your studies. By now she knows how to do these things but even more she knows if she does not do them you will. Trust me if you don't bother to do them and you do what you need to do at some point she will get sick of it and see that if it is going to get done she will have to do it. You are both in my prayers.

[hisredeemed]

Is there anyone in your church that can counsel you? It's best to talk to someone godly to vent to who won't tell you to leave.

Can you afford to have someone come in and clean? Arguing isn't going to make things change and you need to focus on your schooling.

My first marriage was a 'bait and switch' (mine had infidelity and the bait and switch was not why I left) It's very frustrating and discouraging.

You need to model Jesus while performing some tough love. Accept for now that you are a single parent. Take care to do the cleaning, cooking errands, etc for you and your daughter, but let your wife do her own laundry, errands, picking up of her things.

No more helping your wife. She's a big girl. She sounds very immature and will probably throw a fit but just IGNORE her. Speak only in a regular voice and walk away if you need to. You are not her father and she is not your daughter. Stop acting like it.

Stop nagging while you do this. No arguing. Get whatever outside help you need to achieve the peace you need to get through school. Since you are in the military your sargeant may be able to suggest something.

You are your daughter's role model and someone needs to teach her how a responsible adult should act.

If you need to, pare down your and your daughter's things to make things easier for you.

Remember-

1.Take care of what's yours and your daughter's. It may take some time but your wife will get the hint.

2. Do NOT treat/speak to your wife like a child and always stay calm. Walk away if necessary.

3. Do NOT engage in useless/endless arguing.

4. Get godly counsel.

[Kelev]

Thank you all for replying.

To answer some of the questions:

I'm not entirely sure what the real issue is. I'm reasonably confident that my wife still wants to be a stay-at-home mom. What I'm not sure of is whether she's capable of growing up to be 'mom'.

She's gotten the basics of the individual pieces - she's learned to cook, clean, vacuum, shop, etc. She doesn't put the pieces together, and she can't seem to be able to think beyond the next 15 minutes. When I suggested that laundry could be done at the same time as cooking (put the clothes in the laundry, cook, then go get the laundry), she almost freaked out!

Partly, she always relied on her dad (who would come riding to the rescue at a moment's notice) to do her thinking for her. So, rather than reason something through, she'll just not do it and then not tell me about it. Or, worse, she's often run to her father (who lives 30 min away) to have him rescue her.

Don't get me wrong, there are some things she does really well... She can get a bargain on just about anything (including food), so we never run over budget. And I never have to worry about the baby being taken care of.

All of my planning revolved around my wife being able to take care of things at home. I would have had all the time I needed to take care of 'my' stuff if I was single. I just don't have the time to take care of 'my' stuff and my wife's and my baby's. I don't even have the time to check up on all of the things that she's supposed to be doing (which has come back to bite me several times).

[Bren]

Kelev,
Being Christian is not sporting a title. It means living a Christian lifestyle.
Get in your bible and look up marriage, husband and wife. All the rules are there. Seek God for this advice and not human experience because the spiritual meaning of life is quite different than the earthly one. If you were married before God, then your covenant was with Him also, for better or for worse. You have to put up with everything but adultry. Since she didn't learn at home, it sounds like your wife needs to be tutered on her Christian position in the marriage if she's a stay at home mom. Maybe if you share your delimma with the first lady of your church family, she can offer a suggestion? Ask her about holding classes on the subject. It wouldn't hurt to have one for men either!
Good luck.
bren

[Kelev]

Thank you again for replying, and thank you especially for praying!

I did seek counsel on what to do from several Christian sources. For the most part, the replies either reinforced what I knew or what I was already doing. I fasted and prayed Thursday night through Friday, and that's when God cut through all the crap (emotions, etc) to deal with the root of the problem.

Have you ever read through Job when you're in the midst of a painful and untennable situation? (This first happened to me years ago...) Job goes on for 30+ chapters, complaining about his lot in life. When God finally answers Job, "Where were you when I..."; all Job can do is cower. I imagine him sitting there and thinking to himself, "Aww shoot!" (only much less polite).

That happened to me again Friday night (minus the reading through Job part). I was reminded of Ephesians 5 and of how much more Christ sacrificed to be with us. I was also reminded of how infrequently we, His bride, hold up our end of the marriage vows. When I got a glimpse of His glory, His majesty, His faithfulness, and His love, my problems didn't seem so bad. In fact, I could see clearly how much my wife has grown, and how badly she wants to be a good wife.

Things are not perfect, but they're getting better. My wife and I had a long talk. She has been mentored by some older women at a women's group (it was based on a Bible study called "Apples of Gold"), and we're trying to establish some friendships at our home congregation (it took a long while to find a church after moving to the city).

Thank you for praying.
God bless you.

[Julia Hagan]

Kelev It takes both of you to make a marriage work my husband and I have been married for almost 19 years and it gets sweeter each and every day. Now don't think we have never had any problems for we have had many but by the grace of God we worked thru those times. You need to love your wifw and help her when you can and she needs to do the same you are both in my prayers and I wish you many happy years to come trust in the Lord and let him come first in your life and everything will work out just fine. May God bless both of you and your daughter also I will be praying for you.