Troubled Marriage

[deanlu]

I am very confused and I really need some help. Yesterday I found on my husbands computer where he had been talking to a 16 year old girl he works with in a lewd manner. It was on MSN and she had her web cam on. She was asking him how certian outfits looked and he was telling her she was hot and that he would date her. He asked where her naked suit was and told her he wished he could see around corners where she was changing. He also talked about his privates. He also talked about me and asked her 'now that he had helped her with her clothes he wanted some help from her.' He wanted to know what he should do to look better for his wife. I love my husband very much- and I know that he loves me. He tells me that he knows this was wrong and that he is sorry. He said he was just joking around with her. He said everyone talks like that at work. I guess I just thought my husband was different then all the other guys. I thought being a Christian meant you hold yourself to a higher standard. He then says that he didn't see what was wrong with what he did. I can't stop stop thinking about this. I am just so sad. I cried all night and did not get any sleep. I want to get couceling with a Christian councellor or from church but I know he won't want to do it.

I just don't know what to do. He wants to change his password so that I don't look at his computer. I told him I would not check for stuff like that anymore. But, I can't help myself. I was using his computer and I checked. Every time I check I find stuff. He goes on Ebay and looks at lingerie all the time. He goes to swimwear websites. One time he registered at adultfriendfinder.com. The lingerie is much better then what he used to look at. He is doing so much better. he also went to some clubs that he should not have. He is trying to beat this problem he has. I am so proud of him for trying.

He tells me he will divorce me if i don't lose weight. He says he is not attracted to me. I have lost 40 pounds since I had our daughter. She is five months old. I am only ten pounds lighter then I was before I got pregnant. he tells me that anyone could lose that 40 pounds, he does not see a difference, and I am not trying. He said the baby weight just comes off naturally.

I just want a husband who will follow christian values. I don't want to have to worry about what is is doing online. He says I should leave if I don't trust him. Don't get me wrong he is a wonderful person. He love me and my daughter. He works hard and stands up for what he believes in.

Am I wrong to expect more? Am I to untrusting of my husband? Please help!

[hisredeemed]

You have every right to know what your husband is doing. You don't need to have that kind of perversion in your home.

He sounds verbally and mentally abusive. Not to mention that he IS engaging in adultery, so I don't understand where this 'wonderful person' is.

He doesn't know what real love is if his seeking sexual pleasure from someone other than you! And you ain't kidding he stands up for what he believes! You can either except his adultery or walk! Some wonderful person! This is the man you want teaching your daughter how to be treated??? Girlfriend does he have you snowed! I wouldn't trust him as far as I could pick him up and throw him!!

I was in the same type of marriage for 17 years too long. I divorced him and the Lord sent me a wonderful, godly man who loves Him and me!!! I have never felt better about myself and I deserve to have such a man in my life!!

I am 50 lbs overweight and you would think I was Pam Anderson the way my husband treats me. He respects and adores me. To him I am the queen in my home and he is my king (Jesus is the #1 King). We pray together everyday and I know he has me covered spiritually.

If he's not willing to go to Christian counseling go by yourself and let someone in leadership who has experienced what you have advise you.

I KNOW I will catch a lot of flack for being so blunt but let ONLY the ones who have walked in my shoes judge me! I have been on both sides of the fence and let me tell you how WONDERFUL it IS to have a godly husband.

You have a biblical right to divorce him and remarry. And let me advise you to have yourself checked out physically. There's a good chance he's already been intimate with someone other than you. And don't expect an adulterer to tell you the truth.

You and your daughter deserve to be treated like Proverbs 31 women!!!

[kellymarie]

DeanLu,I agree with hisredeemed comments to you.Listen to her.I want to tell you that anyone who is looking at and talking to 16 year old girls is not right.Do you know that it is against the law?She is a kid.You really need to watch out.I never have written like this before,but my stepdad sexually abused my sister and me.My mom is divorced from him.But he was still trying things when I was a teenager!He would look at me and walk in my bedroom while I was changing clothes.DeanLu,I would not wait around and take a chance,you have a little child.Children do not need to be around that. Your husband may not do anything with this girl,but it is not right for him to be talking with her.You do not want him teaching your daughter how to act around boys,and how to look for the right man.I do not think this is a good situation.I would leave,you are risking too much.Also,he has no right to tell you to lose weight or he will divorce.That is an excuse,his problem is that he likes young women.He is caught up in pornography,and lies.Your husband is not trying.Look at it.The answer is in front of you.If he was trying,he would cut all of that stuff off,and do right by you.If he does not want counseling,go by yourself,and do this Gods way.You are not responsible for what he does and does not do,but you can go and do something.I pray for change in your life.Take care of yourself,and your innocent daughter.God is with you!

[Tom]

DeanLu: Do you see any inconsistency in these two statements: “He tells me that he knows this was wrong and that he is sorry.” “He then says that he didn't see what was wrong with what he did.” That should clear-up your “confusion.” This is a man who wants you off his back and doesn’t want to change his behavior.

I was caught once, years ago, looking at porn on our computer. I still feel the sting of the wrath of my wife from that time. I’ve never done it since and never will again. You and your husband should not have separate passwords on your computers. You should have unrestricted access to each others computer activities just as you should each others financial activities. If you don’t know how to monitor his computer activities, help is easy to obtain.

“He goes on Ebay and looks at lingerie all the time. He goes to swimwear websites. One time he registered at adultfriendfinder.com. The lingerie is much better then what he used to look at. He is doing so much better. he also went to some clubs that he should not have. He is trying to beat this problem he has. I am so proud of him for trying”

No, DeanLu. He’s not trying to beat this problem. There's nothing, here, for you to be proud of. Your husband doesn’t have an “addiction” problem to inappropriate sexual behavior, as some people will tell you. He has a character/behavior problem. You don’t fix this behavior by “trying to beat this problem.” You fix it by stopping all of it immediately and doing the right thing.

Don’t let him tie your being overweight to this character problem of his. It sounds logical, but it isn’t. Don’t get me wrong: You shouldn’t be 40 pounds overweight. You should fix that by eating less and moving more. (I’ll probably hear from other members about that truth) But, his not honoring his vows to you and to God cannot be blamed on your being overweight.

“Am I wrong to expect more? Am I to untrusting of my husband? Please help!”

Here’s your help: You’re not expecting enough. You’re too trusting.

Tom

[Haeker]

I heartily second everything that hisredeemed and kelliemarie have said, and I applaud Tom for his down-to-earth bluntness. Everything said here is 100% in the right. You, deanlu, deserve much better than this, as do your children. Heaven, I think even your dog or cat (if you have one) deserves better in the household.

My first and only girlfriend wasn't the thinnest stick in the woods, but because of Jesus love flowing through me (and the fact that she is an incredibly beautiful woman regardless), I saw her as the most gorgeous girl ever. Your husband is despicable for demanding such things from you or threatening to divorce - if anything, he should be supportive of you and a healthy (or healthier) lifestyle. As it stands, he doesn't even have room to talk.

Everything he has said to you is a barrel of monkey snot - you deserve so much better!


-Joshua

[deanlu]

I know what everyone is telling me is true. I pray about it every day. It just feels so hopeless sometimes. I want so badly for our marriage to work out. I know I can't force my husband to follow christian values. It makes me so sad. Sometimes I wonder if I love him still. Other times I wonder how I could doubt my love for him. I know I need to leave. I know I am deluded to think things will get better. I just keep hoping. My family says I have changed so much in the four years we have been married. They say I used to be happy and outgoing and now I am fearfull and depressed. It is so obvious what I need to do. But, I keep holding out for better days.

[kellymarie]

Hi Deanlu.This is kellymarie.I want you to know that it is your choice if you want to leave your husband or not.All of us just care about you,and care about you and the baby being properly taken care of.I truly hope that he will come the the Lord.I prayed for you and your family.I pray that things get better and if not then for your peace of mind.Right now,I believe the main focus should be on Jesus.He will guide you,despite what your husband does or doesn't do.Just focus on Jesus,and lean on Him.If you really do not know how,just pray honestly to Him,and ask Him to show you how to let Him lead you.It works.