Thinking divorce

[fedup]

Hi, I have been married for 17 years and have two teenagers. I married for all the wrong reasons. I was insecure and had low self esteem and was just happy someone wanted to marry me. I knew from the beginning, I was not happy with his family and I don't think I loved him.

I grew to love him later in a few years after we married, but then he became abusive and now he is disrespectful towards me and swears at me, and has been physically abusive. I have felt trapped for a lot of years, but now that the kids are older, I just want to leave him. I want to leave so bad and be on my own, but I just always stay. I don't have a career and don't know how I will survive.

My husband and I have nothing in common. I can't stand him more times than I can. I am so depressed. I am such a failure.

[old_spartan]

I feel your pain because in some ways, I have been the husband to my wife that your are talking about. I won't try to give any advice, because coming from a man it may not mean too much. The only thing I can say - God is the only one who can heal you and your marriage now. Prayer is the key.

I know in my situation, though I am a Christian, I needed some help in learning how to pray effectively. I found a great book (several actually) that helped me greatly in this area. It is written by a woman, Stormie Omartian, who went through great marital strife herself. My book is one she wrote for husbands, but she wrote one for wives first. It is entitled "The Power of a Praying Wife".

You are in a tough position right now, but God can get you through it. Also, if possible, you may want to seek some Christian counseling. I am doing so now, and it truly is helping.

Blessings.

[larry]

Dear Fedup, you do not say you and your husband are Christians, but if you are the common thread should be Christ. If you are in Christ and not happy, it's because you are not looking to the source from where all your help comes from. Are you both attending church and worshipping the Lord as a family? I would nearly bet on the answer if I were a betting man. If you are a Christian and contemplating divorce, here are some guidelines from the Bible listed below. If you have gotten into new age thinking and just want what makes you feel good, and don't I have the right to be happy, there's not much God can say to help you. I am pasting the following from a previous response I gave. Consider the following. This is the way it should be, but it does not always work for all. Some can't adapt themselves to these things.

1 Corinthians 7:10-16. And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.
13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.
16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

Then Dear Fedup, if you decide to stay together and want a good marriage, follow the follow the following guideline, though it hard when only one of you is trying.

Ephesians 5: 21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Dear Fedup, I thought so much of a marriage seminar I heard on CD's presented by Brother Gene Hawkins, I took over 6 months transcribing them to pamphlets for just such cases as this. They are free at "gracegod.com" under the heading "Marriage" along the left side blue selections near the bottom. You might have to select Grace Fellowship after "gracegod.com depending on search engine you use.

There are six pamphlets and an Index to keep track of notes. There is no cost and no registration. When you open each by clicking on the title, a small toolbar appears at the top of the script, and on the left side there is "Save a copy of the file - Print - and email". I think you will like and learn much about the heart of a woman versus the mind of a man. He is gifted with much insight in presenting this seminar. It's also great for women to know how men think. I hope you will take advantage of them to save your marriage.

When two people end up in the situation you appear to be in, both have normally contributed to the problem. Like Brother "Old Spartan" responded to you, "Prayer is the key"; make it part of your daily walk in Christ. You may have the idea moving on in your life would be a welcome change and improve your lot, but we all have an old nature that is the root of most of our problems; selfishness, greed, etc. Regardless of where we end up we cannot be happy until we are changed from the inside out. Most times people end up in twice as bad of shape as they are in now; hence, jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. Normally, little attitude changes on your part will result in beneficial changes to your husband. By this time your husband may feel as this joke a friend mailed me: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

May God bless you and I will be praying for you and your husband in Jesus' name. - larry

[Tee828]

You don't say if both you and your husband are in Christ, but nevertheless, abuse should not be a part of any marriage. We know we have tribulations in the world, but we should not have this type of tribulation in our "marriage." I am not saying that you should divorce your husband, but if he is being abusive you should seek counseling and refuge in a local christian abuse shelter, a trusted family member or your church. You can separate while you pray for the Lord to intercede in your marriage and your husband's behavior and your own behavior as well. However, you do not have to stay in the same house with an abusive spouse. The bible says that if an unbelieving spouse "be pleased to dwell with you, don't leave," but it is obvious he is not pleased to dwell with you if he is swearing at you and hitting on you. If he is a believer, then he should not be abusing his wife, Christ never abused his bride and marriage is representative of the bridegroom and the bride, Christ and His Church.

Your husband sounds like he could benefit from some Christian Counseling, if he is a believer he should be willing to participate with you and your Pastor or other Christian Counseling Service Provider. Above all, you need to pray and seek Godly counsel, you cannot do this by yourself as it already sounds like it is very overwhelming to you. I pray for the Lord to move in your situation and bring about His perfect will for you and your husband.

The devil is a liar, you are not a failure and the Lord God rebuke every spirit of depression. You are more than a conqueror and you are victorious in Christ Jesus! I am lifting you in prayer.

[Junebug]

Hi,

I hear your cries loudly.

There are several things that I think need to be considered in your situation. First of all are you a christian? Do you know the Lord as your personal savior? If you do, then half of your problem is solved right there.

Secondly, does your husband claim to know the Lord. I am assuming not, because if he is cursing, swaring and abusive, then these actions are not christ-like and christians are supposed to look and act like Christ.

If you are a christian and your husband is not, then you are considered unequally yolked. The Bible then states that if the UNBELIEVING party desires to depart because he does not want to live with your decision to be saved, that you should allow him to go in peace, because you don't know if by your life you will be able to win him.

In the abusive situation, I cannot tell you to stay, and I cannot tell you it is o.k. to go. The Lord needs to give you wisdom in that case. If your life is in danger, then you need to be in a safe place for your life's sake, but according to the word, your responsibility in this case is to pray for your husband that God would deliver him - not necessarily divorce him. In a case like that, your husband would need help. People can be sick and also influenced by demons. The devil will use him to make your life miserable. God has given us power over all of the power of the devil. Divorce is not in the will of God, so what the devil does is he uses the weaker person to create problems in the home, to then create a breakdown in the family and then divorce happens and everybody is miserable. God is a life-changing God. You did not marry him for love, but as you grew to love him, there was obviously something that you saw that attracted you to this man. Now the devil is stepping in to make your life miserable. That's his trick and his plan.

I have been married for 16 years and know the pains of abuse and neglect and also adultery.

My encouragement to you is to learn how to pray and read your Bible. Know what God is saying to you personally about your situation as according to what the Bible says. Your husband sounds like someone who needs deliverance, not necessarily a divorce.

Again I say, if your life is in danger, be wise, but allow God to direct you in the word. As you allow him to deal with every aspect of your being in what he says about you personally, give him your husband and watch him work it out. There is a powerful book by Stormie O'martian called "the Power of a praying wife". It teaches you how to pray for your husband and watch God bring changes in his life. It works......

[OneJoe]

This is the way it should be, but it does not always work for all. Some can't adapt themselves to these things.

Amen Larry, what the bible says is the way it should be. However, for those who "can't" adapt themselves to these things the bible states, what is the consequence? Certainly ignoring the bible or caring more about what we want or feel has a punishment.

[Benjamin]

I have sinned probably like no person here has sinned before. i brought another woman to my family home whilst my common law wife and child were away. We did not have intercourse or indulge in any thing but i do have previous and that has made me lose my family. i used to go church regularly then stopped. i got angry with for no reason because we had no money even i was working and she was trying. i have caused her so much heartache that i don't blame her for leaving. However i just relaised i really really love her. i really do.

[Solus]

Dear Fedup, you do not say you and your husband are Christians, but if you are the common thread should be Christ. If you are in Christ and not happy, it's because you are not looking to the source from where all your help comes from. Are you both attending church and worshipping the Lord as a family? I would nearly bet on the answer if I were a betting man. If you are a Christian and contemplating divorce, here are some guidelines from the Bible listed below. If you have gotten into new age thinking and just want what makes you feel good, and don't I have the right to be happy, there's not much God can say to help you. I am pasting the following from a previous response I gave. Consider the following. This is the way it should be, but it does not always work for all. Some can't adapt themselves to these things.

1 Corinthians 7:10-16. And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.
13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.
16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

Then Dear Fedup, if you decide to stay together and want a good marriage, follow the follow the following guideline, though it hard when only one of you is trying.

Ephesians 5: 21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Dear Fedup, I thought so much of a marriage seminar I heard on CD's presented by Brother Gene Hawkins, I took over 6 months transcribing them to pamphlets for just such cases as this. They are free at "gracegod.com" under the heading "Marriage" along the left side blue selections near the bottom. You might have to select Grace Fellowship after "gracegod.com depending on search engine you use.

There are six pamphlets and an Index to keep track of notes. There is no cost and no registration. When you open each by clicking on the title, a small toolbar appears at the top of the script, and on the left side there is "Save a copy of the file - Print - and email". I think you will like and learn much about the heart of a woman versus the mind of a man. He is gifted with much insight in presenting this seminar. It's also great for women to know how men think. I hope you will take advantage of them to save your marriage.

When two people end up in the situation you appear to be in, both have normally contributed to the problem. Like Brother "Old Spartan" responded to you, "Prayer is the key"; make it part of your daily walk in Christ. You may have the idea moving on in your life would be a welcome change and improve your lot, but we all have an old nature that is the root of most of our problems; selfishness, greed, etc. Regardless of where we end up we cannot be happy until we are changed from the inside out. Most times people end up in twice as bad of shape as they are in now; hence, jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. Normally, little attitude changes on your part will result in beneficial changes to your husband. By this time your husband may feel as this joke a friend mailed me: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

May God bless you and I will be praying for you and your husband in Jesus' name. - larry


I agree with lrry's heart here and will pray also for God's direct intervention and relief for you.

[Razed]

Hello Fedup, What was the reason in the beginning for marrying him? You married for wrong reasons, correct? What were the issues you were going through at that time? We are bombarded with wrong thinking at a very early age by the father of all lies. he starts small, planting wrong thoughts about ourselves and others until ultimantly we think of ourselves as failures and sometimes we transfer those feelings onto the ones closest to us like our spouses. I advise you and your husband to seek christian councel and get to the roots so you two can bare new fruit. God Bless You and your family.

[fedup]

Hi, thank you for your responses.

I was brought up a christian (catholic) but my husband was not. I didn't practice my religion for many years, but in the past year have really gotten back with it. I'm very spiritual and he is not at all. It didn't bother me to not marry a christian because at the time I was not following it. It was just not a priority for me at the time. It is now as I grow older. I seem to be coming back to it. I don't think he would conform to christianity.

I haven't tried christian counselling, but other marriage counselling. I will pray for the Lord to take responsibility for my husband and help him. I want the white light of the lord to surround my husband and heal him, spiritually etc.

I don't think I am in danger from him, but once you've been struck, you always worry about it. I never thought I'd be in a situation like this. It was that worthless, hopeless feeling that got me involved with someone like him in the first place. I have a little more self esteem now, many years later. He wasn't really like this at the time I married him, or maybe I just didn't want to see it.

I don't like the idea of divorce. I have always wanted to be committed to someone "till death do us part", the way Jesus meant it to be. But I don't know if Jesus or anyone can help someone who doesn't believe and can't help himself from, I think being abusive.

[BigO]

God wants you to have peace,and if he is beating you,you should leave,this is not of God,and is not his will...it's that simple.