What if your unbelieving spouse is deserting you?

[god'schild219]

My unbelieving spouse ignores me talks about me and is corrupting my spiritual life. I was a christian when I married him, and was not deeply into the bible as I am now. I now know that I shouldn't have been unequally yoked together. What do I do now?

[larry]

Dear God's child, I'm so sorry to see you as a child of God so unhappy. To start with it's good to hear that you really know that you're God's child. That means there is a fix to the problem. I do hope you know that you can take all your burdens to the Lord as we read in Hebrews 4:16 "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." Your problem is not unique and this same advice fits nearly all problems we face. Our lack of faith and understanding normally holds us back from finding the solution to those things we could avoid in life; hence marrying an unbeliever because you didn't know how it would turn out. Dear sister, you could have wound up with your life in just as bad of shape with some believers; read some of the cries for help and advice on our "Prayer Request Board".

Many times our perceived ideas of what marriage should be, and what they are differ considerably. I am glad to see that you are not living with physical abuse, but mental abuse can be bad too. Ignoring a wife seems to be normal with a lot of men that no longer have the same interests. I'm not sure what he says about you, but I'm sure it's hurtful regardless of his reasons. I've known men to constantly gripe about the way she cooks their meals, the added weight she has put on since having 15 kids, her hair is not attractive, though they won't give them the money to get it fixed, etc. Men are insensitive to a woman's needs because they are thinking with their heads, while women think with their hearts and are much more sensitive to criticism. I do not know if you work outside the home, but many men will expect their wives to work out, do all the house chores, and watch the kids while they just sit back and watch TV. It doesn't take long for them to feel as you do now. More than likely if you loved him enough to have two children with him, your marriage just needs a shot in the arm to revive it. I've now been married forty-nine years with a wife that grows more beautiful to me every year, but we separated and divorced after twenty-two years for a year because of similar or worse problems.

I have listed some verses telling you what the Lord said and some things the Apostle Paul says about an unbelieving husband or wife in marriage. Now remember these are guides and not one of the Ten Commandments, though all things the Lord says is for our benefit just like "do not be unequally yoked".

1 Corinthians 7:10-16 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.
13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.
16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

If you want to revive your marriage, next is a list of things to practice if you want your marriage to go right. Now when you are to submit, it doesn't say you are to become his doormat and slave, but here it talking about spiritual things. Now you say he is an unbeliever, so the spiritual things of him are out the window, though the submissive wife still draws great benefit. For instance nobody likes a nagging wife, and Proverbs 21:9 says "it is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house." Little things you may do differently now than when you first married draws quick attention from their husbands even though he may be a slob, he wants you to be and look the same as when he married you. Impossible? Yes, but the interest you show may turn the trick. Look, you are trying to save your marriage. You have got to make him feel like "Da Man" again that you need. Us men can be very vain.


Ephesians 5: 21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Last I want to recommend a series of Pamphlets I transcribed from a marriage seminar given by Brother Gene Hawkins at "gracegod.com". All their material is free and there is no registration. When you get on site, look at the selections down the left side and select "Marriage". Get all six pamphlets and the Index workbook. When you open each one by clicking on its title, a small toolbar will appear just above the script. On the far left is save to your document, next to it is print, and third from the left is an option to email it. I pray it is a blessing to you. I liked it enough to spend six months transcribing it from CD's.

God bless you dear God's child in the blessed name of our Lord and savior Jesus - larry

[larry]

Dear God's child, I failed to respond to "He is corrupting your spiritual life." Unless he is forcing you into drunkedness and immorality for instance, your spiritual life is between you and the Lord. We walk alone with the Lord; I can't walk for my wife and she cannot walk for me. Your faith can be strengthened by getting into the word of God to meet the demands of life put upon you. You can learn to have peace and joy in the midst of a storm going on around you.

Again, God bless you sister in Jesus' name and I hope you make the right decision for your happiness, and to the glory of God - larry

[jr2443]

I know that this doesn't sound fun.... but it's what God says.
If a wife is married to a man that is disobedient to the Word of God (which characterizes a non-believer,) then she may be able win him over by her submissiveness. In your day-to-day life, you need to submit to your husband. When he asks you to do something, then obey him. Whether it be to cook or clean or to turn off the TV... whatever. Your submissiveness might win him to Christ. But do it quitely... don't complain when he asks you to do something. A lot of people don't like this idea. (But it's in the Bible, and I'm not going to lie to you just because even some Christians like to argue with Gods Word.) Read for yourself...
1 Peter 3- "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external--braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear."


I'll be praying for you.

In Christ,
Don

[Tee828]

Dear God's Child,

The advice you have received from the men is alright to follow, but please keep in mind that submission does not mean stupidity. If your husband is telling you to do something ungodly, DO NOT SUBMIT TO THAT! The bible never tells us to submit to the devil, but to resist him and if your hubby is submitted to satan, then you cannot submit to him. The scripture in 1 Peter is talking about a husband who is being disobedient to the word, not a husband who is governed by satan, you must be able to discern the difference.

I remember once a Pastor who was very well intentioned sending a couple home after scolding the wife to be submissive to what her husband tells her and to keep her mouth shout. He would not even listen to what her complaint was. So the woman went home and did what her Pastor said and is now suffering the consequences of this cousel. Her husband wanted her to have a threesome (with another man) which wound up infecting them both with HIV. Now I am not saying that your situation is this extreme, but you know your situation better than anyone on this forum and you also know the Lord. Please seek the counsel of the Holy Spirit concerning your situation and rightly divide the word of truth for yourself. Even when scripture is quoted, it is not always the right application for your situation.

[blueheron32]

Tee..

I dont believe any of us, are counseling Gods child, to do anything unlawful, as you seem to be suggesting... And 1Peter is speaking about an unsaved, abusive, tyrant, of a husband... Gods counsel to a woman who finds herself in that situation, is for her to be the best wife she can be, and love him, and obey him in all things lawful... In so doing she lays down her life for her husband, and does so to the glory of God. God clearly says, that it is in this way, that her husband will be won.. From the standpoint of human wisdom, this seems like foolishness, but God has chosen the foolish things of this world, to confound the wise..... Why not just accept what God says,and be subject to our Father in heaven... We as the people of God are the bride of Christ are we not?? Are we not to submit to his word, as he is our husband???

blueheron32

[Tee828]

Dear Blueheron32,

Please forgive me, I in no way believed I was suggesting that you were giving this woman counsel to do anything unlawful. That was not my intent for what I wrote. I was writing based upon my observations of working in abuse shelters where well intentioned Clergy have used the scripture to counsel women to stay in abusive relationships by telling them, "just be quiet, you will win him over. " That is not always the case. About 3 weeks ago I had to help hide out a woman who after many years of just being quiet and submissive, almost lost 2 fingers and her life from an angry husband who didn't care a thing about her or her God, as he would often say.

I was merely stating to this woman that since neither of the two men nor I truly know the entirety of her situation, she must use prayer, discernment and judgment concerning her situation. It is alright to quote scripture, but it doesn't help quoting it to anyone governed by satan who is trying to kill you or force you to do ungodly acts. Most men that are abusing their wives and children don't read further down in 1Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. The fact that the scripture states, 'that your prayers be not hindered," suggests that the woman is dealing with a man who knows God and prays, not a man who is governed by satan and is not willing to be rational, thus my reason for a word of caution if this is her case.

Men governed by satan are not always won over by a chaste submitting wife, I know, I attended the funeral of one not long ago, a very beautiful woman of just 40 years old with a 3 year old daughter. The man also took his own life.

Again, please forgive me, I did not mean to offend, I was just very concerned for her welfare.

[blueheron32]

Tee....

This whole topic is a very emotional issue.... Often people, both men and women, husbands and wives find themselves in a marriage with an abusive spouse. In our country, the laws of the land, offer protection to the abused, and provide for them an option of safety. I do not forbid a woman or a husband to take advantage of that option. However the bible is written not just to americans, but it is written to all mankind, and many in the world do not have our system of laws that give the kind of protection that we are blessed to have here in the USA... What is written in 1 peter, does not ever assume that the man the woman is to submit to is a Godly, Godfearing man. The illustrations are just the opposite.. There is the harsh taskmaster, that abuses his servants... There is the case of Jesus himself, that was abused, and killed, even though innocent, in Himself.... Then it says, likewise ye wives... It is in that kind of situation that God is counseling a Godly woman, that she is to respond to her unbelieving husband, that does not obey the Word, as he relates to his wife... She is to submit to him, and love him... and the Godly husband that finds himself with an abusive or unfaithful wife, is to love her and lay himself down for her, just as Christ gave himself for the church...

Those Jesus died for, did not love him, they were not Godly people, they hated him, and abused him, and killed him, but yet, he loved them, and willingly suffered and even died for them... Likewise ye wives, and husbands, and servants.... here is our example,,,, This is the only biblical illustration that exactly fits the situation we are talking about here... We must listen...

Tee, I am not some kind of hardhearted tyrant that is simply telling a woman to submit to a discusting example of a man, just because Im insisting that a woman must submit to her husband... I share your concern, and shudder at the situation many women, and men live in with their spouses...But, If they love the Lord, then they will want to do it Gods way.... And they will be willing to lay down even their lives for his Glory.. Tee.... Even if they lose their lives, what have they gained...????

Mat 10:39 He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.

your servant...

blue...

[Tee828]

Blueheron,

Even when dealing with emotionally charged situations, we must adhere to the Word of God, ALL OF THE WORD OF GOD. You cannot tell me that Jesus meant for a wife to stay with a man that is not only abusing her but her children. Should a woman stay with a man raping her 6 year old child and telling her to be chaste and submit to what he is doing, just to win him over? You know what the word says about harming the little ones. Did Jesus abuse and rape His Bride? Did He force His Bride to do anything ungodly?

Please read 1 Samuel 25:3-40 about Abigail and Nabal. The bible said Abigail was a woman of "good understanding" (she was bright and prophetic) and he, Nabal, was according to scripture, "churlish" (cruel, abusive, harsh, etc.). Because of his character and actions, he endangered his whole household. This caused Abigail to do the unthinkable, she disobeyed her husband because he was about to get her whole household (children included) killed due to his foolish ways and being a fool (according to scripture not my name calling). She actually did not submit to his command because of the situation at hand and she delievered her whole household. After she did this, God struck this man down and he died. She was then blessed to become the wife of David, a man after God's own heart.

Again, I am not tellling women to go against scripture, I am tellling them to examine all scripture in light of the leading, guiding and teaching of the Holy Ghost concerning their situation. How many times have you stayed with a woman who beat you? How many times did you sit back and watch a woman molest your child? How many times have you had to endure being raped with unspeakable things?

Remember how satan quoted scripture to Jesus--Mathew 4:6 And saith unto him, If thou be the Son of God, cast thyself down: for it is written, He shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up, lest at any time thou dash thy foot against a stone.
Matthew 4:7 Jesus said unto him, It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.

What if Jesus would have acted upon that 1 scripture, after all, it is the Word of God in Psalm 91. However, Jesus was the Word and knew ALL of the word so He knew how to rightly discern the more applicable scripture concerning His situation. Again, that is all that I am stating, "rightly divide the word of truth." Basing a life and death situation on 1 scripture can be dangerous.

Just like telling someone, "if your right hand offends you, cut it off," Matthew 5:30 and Jesus was not speaking in parables at this time. Do you really expect someone to do that if you quote that scripture to them? Would you?

In 1Cor 5:11 it reads, "But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer (abusive person), or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat." Now if we follow scripture, we see that the Greek word used for "any man" is the word "tis" which means "anyone" that means, husband, wife, sister, brother, anyone who calls themself a brother in the Lord who is "abusive" we should not keep company with according to this word.

We have to be very careful with discerning and applying the scriptures.

[chelo]

god'schild219
know that you are God's (not god's) child. as such all the promises and covering He gave to His children applies to you. However, we must, as His child, be the first to submit ourselves to be changed and renewed in accordance with His will and purpose for our lives. "Delight yourself in Him and all these things shall be added unto you...." Just keep drawing closer to God and His word. Keep seeking His face and doing what He says according to His word and He will richly bless you. and your husband......only God can change hearts and minds of people. Let God do His work but never stop or give-up praying for your husband. Trust me I know this from experience. Much love to you.

[Smiley556]

Hi there
When I read this I just had to reply...Its been over 3 years now since I divorced...My unbelieving husband gave up on our marriage. I realized God actually saved me because I could be stuck in that marriage...If it can bee worked out....God bless...We even went to christian counselling, surprisingly he went for that,,,but He decided it wasnt worth it...I was a christian before our marriage,,,but i grew closer to the Lord during..anyway....I pray God will guide you with this issue....i didnt have any children, so it was less difficult for me.

[blueheron32]

We have to be very careful with discerning and applying the scriptures.

I think perhaps you should listen to your own advice...

Now if we follow scripture, we see that the Greek word used for "any man" is the word "tis" which means "anyone" that means, husband, wife, sister, brother, anyone who calls themself a brother in the Lord who is "abusive" we should not keep company with according to this word.

If Jesus had followed the scripture according to your interpretation, he would have kept company with none of us... there would be no church, no elect, no bride of Christ, We would have all been found unworthy of his love...He would have left us all in our vile condition, and would have been perfectly just in doing so. But he has shown unto us a more excellent way....

1Co 13:4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
1Co 13:5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
1Co 13:6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
1Co 13:7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
1Co 13:8 Charity never faileth:

Love is not always easy, Tee...Nor is obedience.... Ask Jesus....

Heb 5:8 Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered;

blue...

[samuelwilson25]

just let him go cut him of bro. just like paul talks about in the bible ? for god will send you a mate that will be good for you god bless bro

[Tee828]

Blue,

I agree, we should all search the scriptures and seek the Lord, as I suggested. In fact, I do follow my own advice as I quoted in my earlier reply, I do not keep company with "any man" that is abusive.

God Bless:-)

Tee

[fivethreesevensix]

in your situation ,if he doesnt want out then you should seek godly counsel to make sure you make the right move and daily pray and plead asking God to send you a sign telling you what move to make and he'll answer that prayer but once he tells you then you have to move on it whichever way he tells you

[OneJoe]

Would a building falling on someone qualify as a sign? :-)

[natasha]

I would keep going to the church, prayer reading the word. God can work miracles especially with an unbeliever. You keep on keeping on by serving the Lord first and foremost. God will deal with your husband. Your first priority is putting God first in all things.

[kellymarie]

JR2443 This is in response to your suggesting this woman to submit.Well,from what I read,it seems like you are telling her to do everything this man says,obey him,and don't complain.She is not a child.She does not need that kind of disclipline.You failed to mention what command Jesus gave to men,to love their wife.He commanded women to honor and respect the husband.But Jesus did not say "boss the wife around,and disclipline her as a child".Too many people take the scriptures wrong.I believe when it says the man will leave his family and cleave to his wife,and the two shall become one,it means equal.I am not being political here,I'm just saying that it is not a womans job to hush,and clean the house,and cook and not get any help or love from that.Right now the main focus in her life should be on Jesus.